American Birds Retaliate for Obama-Era Killing Spree

Revenge of the birds

Former President Barack H. Obama's insatiable lust for bird flesh is one of the most well-documented scandals in modern history.

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Obama's primary goal as president — apart from transforming America into a radical hellscape of feral bureaucrats chanting in "woke" tongues and breaking into preschools and daycare centers to replace all the story-time books with Korans — was to kill or maim as many majestic flying creatures (especially bald eagles) as the ruthless war machines under his command would allow.

Now that this genocidal maniac is out of office, America's birds have finally mustered up the courage to fight back, much like the human race fought to avert species annihilation in the epic blockbuster film Independence Day. The Wall Street Journal reports on the curious travails of nature-loving weirdos across the country:

More than 250 million of the birds live across North and Central America, and this summer some are feeling extra aggressive toward human neighbors—driving them to change walking routes, wear protective headgear or furiously wave arms above their heads as they jog.

"You talk to people about being attacked by birds, and they look at you like you’re crazy," says Mr. Vedder, a 60-year-old programmer. "This is ‘The Birds’ all over again, but it’s real!"

Many people who have long lived in harmony with the birds have noticed an uptick in their aerial assaults this season. Bird-on-human attacks are growing more common as people encroach on their habitats, says Lori Naumann, information officer at the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources.

Thanks to the leadership of President Donald J. Trump, mankind can take comfort in the fact that this is a war we can win. The human race continues to enjoy unprecedented species dominance under President Trump. A recent United Nations report announced that as many as 1 million non-human species are at risk of extinction due to human activity, yet another example of why Trump's presidency will likely go down in history as one of the strongest examples of powerful leadership the world has ever known.