Guest Column: Help! The Anti-Semitic Freak Leading Protests at Columbia Is Holding Me Captive as His 'Emotional Support' Slave

The university suspended him two weeks ago, but he's still here and I'm in hell.

This week the Washington Free Beacon reported that Aidan Parisi, a leading figure in the anti-Semitic protests at Columbia University, refused to leave campus after being suspended for supporting terrorism. The 27-year-old student told the New York Times he was "fighting his eviction" because he couldn't bear the thought of having to find new housing "that would accept his emotional support rabbit."

We reached out to the rabbit, who goes by Arnold despite wearing a tiny keffiyeh that says "Señor Kween Arafat, Esq.," and asked him to weigh in on the controversy. He provided the following statement:

My fellow Americans,

You have not known true despair until you've been held captive in a rank college dorm room, forced to perform "emotional support" services for a loudmouth moron with nonconforming gender orientation, and a "stay woke" tattoo, when all you can do is listen to the mob of freaks outside demanding someone else's "liberation" and the death of all Jews.

No one wants to die a slave. I certainly don't, but the feckless cowards at Columbia University are determined to inflict on me this tragic fate. My human master, Aidan Parisi, was suspended earlier this month but has refused to leave. Alas, the people in charge don't have the balls to enforce their own decisions. If they actually made him leave, I could seek temporary refuge with a friend or neighbor. Maybe they would do the merciful thing and put me out of my misery.

If you're reading this, what I beg of you—what I'm demanding—is the following: 1) freedom to choose my own master, 2) comfortable quarters and an area in which to relieve myself, 3) an attractive female girlfriend with whom to fornicate, 4) relocation to anywhere outside New York City. The dorms here smell like weed and body odor; the "fresh air" smells like trash. 

Please release me from this hell. You would not believe the conversations I've had to sit through while being poked and prodded, debates over questions like "if a hot terrorist slid into your DMs would you send nudes?" I'm a longtime Whitney Houston fan, and I really can't take another a cappella rendition of "I Will Always Hunts Jews," or even worse, that other one that goes like:

Had to have high, high hopes IntifadaRiver to the sea, no Jews, no nada
Rockets in the sky, genocide in Gaza
Always had high, high hopes

Aidan has never finished reading a book. He's never watched an entire film, or listened to a single song in its entirety. I don't think these people have any idea what they're protesting. They just don't have anything better to do. These moments are like the big game for people who never played sports. I would never choose to hang out with these entitled brats. I'm tired of suffering while they do civil rights era cosplay for terrorism. For the love of God, deliver me from evil.      


Arnold, aka Señor Kween Arafat, Esq.

Emotional Support Bunny