13 Dark Horse Candidates for White House Chief of Staff

President Trump is having a hard time finding a new chief of staff to run his White House, and he is reportedly “super pissed” about it. That’s only natural for a proven leader with high standards. But until the perfect candidate (Hope Hicks) comes to her senses and accepts the job, here are a few …

Jim Acosta Honored to Be Named Time Magazine’s ‘Person of the Year’

BREAKING: Journalists have given themselves another award! Shortly before the most objectively influential and inspiring person on the planet, President Donald Trump, owned lib leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer in an Oval Office debate smackdown, TIME Magazine announced its choice for 2018 “Person of the Year.” And the winner is: “The Guardians and the …

This Is the Christmas Liberals Want

Thank God for Donald J. Trump. In addition to owning libs on the reg, our president has quite literally rescued Christmas from the brink of extinction. In the War of Liberal Aggression Against Christmas (WLAAC), the 2016 election was the Battle of Stalingrad—a valiant and improbable victory for patriotic forces over a ruthless and determined …

Too Legit To Mitt: A Verse Epic

All Hail The God King Romney! A shadow has been lifted A rider hastens from the West The ashen sands have shifted Victory his only quest  Forsaken once before By citizens unwise Our faith he shall restore Arrest our ship’s demise For love of sport By duty bound To stand athwart He shall be crowned  …

Dispatches From The Hipster Coffee Scene: An Eye-Opening Investigation

The elite mainstream media is hopelessly cocooned in its Acela corridor bubble, and blinded its by anti-Trump hysteria. They can’t possibly convey an accurate assessment of the political zeitgeist in Real America. This can only be achieved through enterprising, shoe-leather reporting from that most politically fertile of venues: the hipster coffee shop. I was in …

The Ultimate Creative Guide to Voting in Disguise

It’s time for Americans to accept the fact that voter fraud is here to stay. It’s just another one of those peculiar social trends that eventually finds its way into the mainstream — like jogging, pretending to like soccer, and watching strangers play video games online. As always, our president gets it. “When people get in …

FRONTRUNNER: This Beto 2020 Swag Will Blow Your F—ing Mind

Texas Democrat Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke didn’t technically win his Senate race due in large part to the fact that his opponent, suspected Zodiac killer and assassin spawn Ted Cruz, got more votes in the election. That said, as many pundits have suggested, Beto was actually one of the biggest winners of the 2018 midterms. …

You Won’t Be Able to #Resist These New Ben & Jerry’s Woke Ice Cream Flavors

In case you hadn’t heard the news, woke ice cream corporation Ben & Jerry’s is putting its money where your mouth is. That’s right, they’re taking the #Resistance to Flavortown™. Eat it, Drumpf! (Literally!) Today we launch Pecan Resist! This flavor supports groups creating a more just and equitable nation for us all, and who …

10 Terrible Politics-Themed Halloween Costumes

It’s that time of year again, when journalists and other miserable souls incapable of enjoying themselves without injecting politics into every social interaction celebrate Halloween by dressing up in terrible politics-themed costumes. There’s no point trying to talk them out of it, so here are 10 terrible suggestions: 1) The Devil’s Triangle 2) Elizabeth Warren …