Satire

LEADERSHIP GAP: Donald Trump Gives Seniors $200 Medicare Cards While Joe Biden Does ‘Debate Prep’

Thanks to Donald Trump's leadership skills, millions of American seniors will soon receive $200 cards in the mail to help them cover the cost of prescription drugs.

The president announced the initiative on Thursday at an event with health professionals in North Carolina. "Under my plan, 33 million Medicare beneficiaries will soon receive a card in the mail containing $200 that they can use to help pay for prescription drugs," Trump told the cheering heroes. "Joe Biden won't be doing this."

FACT CHECK: TRUE!

Unlike Trump, the former vice president has neither a plan nor the authority to provide financial relief to seniors before the end of the year. Biden, who has been largely absent from the campaign trail of late, recently told reporters he intended to focus "really heavily" on preparing for next week's presidential debate in Cleveland.

It is merely the latest example of the so-called "leadership gap" between President Trump and his Democratic rival. Earlier this month, Trump forged a historic peace agreement between Israel, Bahrain, and the United Arab Emirates. He also helped bring back Big Ten college football, and presided over the celebrated "Cactus Jack" collaboration between McDonald's and hip-hop artist Travis Scott.

Biden, by comparison, was engaged in activities that aren't typically associated with leadership. He committed an embarrassing gaffe by reading aloud the phrase "end of quote" during a teleprompter-assisted speech, spoke incoherently about what it would be like to work "in the second-floor ladies department," and attempted to woo Hispanic voters by playing the 2017 smash hit "Despacito" on his phone. Biden was also attacked by bugs during an "environmental justice" event.

Biden is going to need all the preparation he can get ahead of next week's debate. He has consistently struggled to form coherent sentences on the campaign trail, and has displayed an inability to control his emotions when challenged. His failed attempt to recite the pledge of allegiance, for example, does not bode well. "I pledge allegiance to the United States of America, one nation, indivisible, under God, for real," Biden said during a campaign speech in Wisconsin.

It's not the first time Biden has flubbed an esteemed patriotic phrase. His struggle to quote from the Declaration of Independence earlier this year raised concerns among a number of independent cognitive health experts. "We hold these truths to be self-evident," Biden said. "All men and women created by. Go! You know. You know the thing."

The outcome of this year's presidential election boils down to a simple question: Will voters who value presidential leadership outnumber those who value Antifa and tax hikes? Stay tuned!