Parody

Trump Makes Deals While Biden Plays ‘Despacito’ and Delights in ‘Ladies Department’ Fantasies

Nobel Peace Prize nominee and President of the United States Donald J. Trump knows a thing or two about making deals. For starters, he wrote the definitive book on the subject. Some consider The Art of the Deal to be on par with the Bible in terms of its insight into the human condition.

The China-caused global pandemic hasn't stopped Trump from forging historic deals. Normalized relations between Israel, Bahrain, and the United Arab Emirates? Achieved. Saudi Arabia and several other nations may soon follow. Trump "holds the key to the hearts of the people of Israel," Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said at the White House on Tuesday.

Barack Obama's legacy in the Middle East, by contrast, consists of a now-defunct financial aid package to Iran and a disastrous military campaign in Libya. Ben Rhodes and other so-called "experts" who mocked the Trump administration's peace initiatives would be utterly embarrassed if they were capable of feeling shame. Alas, they are not.

Under Trump's leadership, the Big Ten Conference announced on Wednesday that its college football season would commence in October.

Under Trump's leadership, prayers for rain have been answered, bringing much-needed relief to West Coast fire crews battling historic wildfires caused by a gender-reveal party gone wrong, among other factors.

Under Trump's leadership, a historic collaboration between McDonald's and rap artist Travis Scott has been a boon for the American meat industry.

Joe Biden, meanwhile, hasn't accomplished anything meaningful since winning the Democratic nomination earlier this year. The 77-year-old has continued to make headlines, but not for making deals.

On Monday, the former vice president was attacked by bugs while giving a speech about "environmental justice." On Tuesday, Biden attempted to woo Hispanic voters at a rally in Florida by playing the 2017 smash hit "Despacito" on his phone.

In recent weeks, Biden has also garnered attention by reading aloud the phrase "end of quote" during a teleprompter-assisted speech, and by spouting a bunch of gibberish about working "in the second-floor ladies department."

There are many differences between the 2020 presidential candidates. Biden is older than Trump and has worked in politics all his life. Trump, on the other hand, is a successful businessman skilled in the art of dealmaking. Voters will have to decide which attributes are more important this November when they choose a candidate to lead the country for the next four years.