This Is What Unbiased Journalism Looks Like

Gotta hear both sides to be objective

October 18, 2023

September 11, 2001

NEW YORK—A pair of explosions in Lower Manhattan on Tuesday left thousands dead, including a handful of al Qaeda revolutionaries, and sparked a finger-pointing match over who was to blame.

"The Jews did it, obviously" said Adam Elmahrek, international vice president of communications for al Qaeda. "We know they have a special device that controls the weather, which could easily be used to take down the World Trade Center. The burden's on them to prove otherwise."

The United States government and Western intelligence agencies disagreed, alleging the twin towers were felled by commercial airplanes hijacked by al Qaeda operatives. While all evidence appears to support the allegation, journalism experts stressed the importance of giving equal weight to both sides.

"We're not experts on structural engineering, chemical combustion, or Jewish weather control," said Mehdi Hasan, president of True Facts, Inc. "We're journalists. Our job is to credulously repeat accusations from historically marginalized fanatics, especially when they confirm our view of the world."

Most journalists agreed it was far too early to blame the alleged attack on Muslim terrorists who have repeatedly called for the destruction of Israel and the United States. "This needs to be said clearly," Karen Attiah, freelance authority on foreign affairs, explained. "The claim that al Qaeda 'hijacks planes and flies them into buildings' is an Islamophobic trope. Even if that turns out to be true, the Jews made them do it."

The truth, if applicable, could end up being more complicated than either side is willing to admit. "Was there a stand-down order?" asked Charlie Kirk, a precocious seven year old. "Did someone—the Jews, for example—allow the terrorists to carry out this attack in order to advance their globalist agenda? I'm not saying that's what happened. I'm just asking questions."

Published under: Gaza , Hamas , Israel , Satire