Satire

Absent Another Option, Obama Endorses Biden

Former president Barack Obama is finally endorsing Joe Biden now that the former vice president is the only Democrat left in the race.

The announcement, in the form of a video released on social media, is sure to bolster the central thesis of Biden's primary campaign: that the candidate and Obama are friends. The former president even dropped the f-word in a tweet promoting his endorsement.

Bizarrely enough, Biden was one of the few Democratic primary candidates who didn't implicitly attack large portions of Obama's legacy. Nevertheless, Obama persisted in remaining neutral during the primary. Pundits suggested Obama's silence indicated a lack of confidence in Biden, who frequently struggles to appear lifelike and coherent on the campaign trail.

Obama even tried to persuade his former VP not to run for president, according to the New York Times. "You don’t have to do this, Joe, you really don't," Obama reportedly told Biden in early 2019. Obama was apparently concerned that Biden might embarrass himself or damage his legacy.

The former president is one of numerous male figures who Biden has touched inappropriately. The former VP has also been accused of aggressive touching by a number of women, including a former female staffer who recently filed a criminal complaint of sexual assault against Biden, according to the New York Times.

Biden, by his own account, has spent most of his life seeking out friendships with black people. In his youth, for example, Biden said he wanted to be a lifeguard at a pool in Wilmington, Del., because he "didn't know any black people." That's where he allegedly met Corn Pop, a razor-wielding gang leader who confronted Biden in the parking lot after being kicked out of the pool for not wearing a swimming cap.

Corn Pop has not yet endorsed a candidate this cycle. Neither has Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D., Mass.).