Dear readers,
You are doubtlessly aware that I recently resigned as poetry editor of the Washington Free Beacon. Alas, my attorneys have informed me that I remain contractually obligated to fulfill my duties as public editor and ombudsman of this execrable news blog.
These duties include the periodic disgorgement of Diddle's Mailsack™ in order to read and respond to your questions and concerns. Most of your letters were unfit for publication, but I managed to find a handful deserving of my consideration. Enjoy!
Faithfully yours,
Biff Diddle
To the editor:
So I was waiting on line at a Publix liquor store the other day, scrolling aimlessly on my phone, when I came across a photo of some Hamas terrorists flying on a private jet following their release from prison in Libya. (See attached.)
For obvious reasons, I did what the kids might call an "LOL," and decided to share my joy with the young lady standing behind me. I turned around, held out my phone, and said, "Look at this fat f—k. His FUPA is even bigger than my wife's."
Alas, I immediately regretted the decision. This young woman—marginally attractive, at best—rolled her eyes and scoffed as if I had just insulted her own mother. "OK Boomer," she replied. "Like, don't fat shame? It's giving sus, pluh." I'm not entirely sure what she meant, exactly, but I understood the "don't fat shame" part. I explained that the disgusting fatso in question was a terrorist psychopath who didn't deserve any sympathy whatsoever, but she didn't seem to care.
Don't get me wrong, I abhor the liberal wokeness that has infected our younger generations like some toxic venereal disease manufactured in a Chinese biolab. But I also try to be a kind and sensitive person who treats others the way I would like to be treated. I would never "fat shame" a normal person, but these Hamas freaks and other Jew-hating terrorists are self-evidently sub-human, so I don't really see the problem here. Am I wrong?
Littlejohn Cornsavage
Dupont, Fla.
Diddle's two cents:
Mr. Cornsavage,
No, you're not wrong, but I would kindly advise you stop being such a goddamn pussy. I also did an "LOL" when I saw the photo of the corpulent Hamas monstrosity oozing out of an oversized plane seat. When it comes to "fat shaming," the science is clear: It saves lives! The left-wing "body positivity" movement is literally killing people and should be classified as a terrorist organization.
On the one hand, fat terrorists deserve to be shamed. They are disgusting in every sense of the word. "Self-evidently sub-human," as you so eloquently wrote. On the other hand, one might argue we should encourage terrorists to embrace "body positivity" and join the ranks of the morbidly obese. Girthy targets are easier to hit; "full-figured" terrorists are easier to capture.
Just ask Abu Abdul Bari, aka "Jabba the Jihadi," the 560-pound ISIS cleric who had be hauled away in a pickup truck. Lucky for him, I hear the "Iraqi Prison Diet" is a particularly effective regimen for weight loss.
To the editor:
We, the undersigned Fall 2023 Washington Free Beacon interns, will no longer remain silent on this publication's unfair treatment of Republican presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy. We heed the voices of American social media commenters and call on the Free Beacon to leave Vivek alone. We are not the decision makers of today, but we aspire to be the leaders of tomorrow, and we will never forget how the pleas of @neoconH8R, @CatholicCrusader, and @GritCEO69, among others, have been heard and thus far, ignored.
In solidarity,
2+ Washington Free Beacon interns
Alexandria, Va.
Diddle's two cents:
Seriously? Are you actually serious right now? Interns? I didn't even know the Free Beacon had interns, but you're all fired effective immediately.
Welcome to the real world, morons. No one care what you have say, and that isn't going to change until you grow the hell up and stop acting like spoiled children. This public tantrum is one of the most disgraceful displays of naïve pomposity I have ever witnessed. I can't decide who should be more embarrassed—you or the invertebrate dullards who raised you.
Don't even bother coming into the office to collect your things. I will personally discard your anti-anxiety pillows in the nearest trash receptacle. You want to take this to court? Go ahead, I f—ing dare you.
As far as Mr. Ramaswamy is concerned, I will say only this: The personal attributes of his fiercest champions appear to adequately reflect the content of his character. In a word: cretinous.
To the editor:
What's your favorite type of cloud?
Diddle's two cents:
It's a tie between giant cumulonimbus and "diesel smoke."