Note: The following passages are excerpted from “The Twelve Days of Biffmas,” a holiday-themed chapter in the forthcoming self-published memoir “Diddle Me This,” by Free Beacon Ombudsman Biff Diddle. Enjoy! Former Yugoslavia, 1993 “I’m just not the marrying type,” I told her once the shelling had waned. She started to respond, but I cut her off. …
Diddle here. I’d like to say a quick hello to all my readers and fans and ex-lovers before attending to the matter at hand. Perhaps you’re wondering where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to. I don’t blame you. The answers to those questions, and many others, will reveal themselves in time. In recent …
I’ve been calling out transparent BS since before I could talk. I know it when I see it. The so-called game of “peek-a-boo”? A dirty lie. I preferred “Battleship.” Still do.
My sensors were flaring last week when I accidentally clicked on a link to the left-wing New Republic website, after mistaking it for one of my favorite middle-of-the-road blogs, freerepublic.com. Something didn’t sit right. Obviously, the content was atrocious. But then I looked at some of the bylines.
I don’t always read the news, but when I do, I prefer to read about things that are, you know, actually new. That’s why I was frustrated to read this morning about a 40-something Harvard grad, barely a third of the way through his first term as U.S. Senator, announcing a White House bid in front of a crowd of screaming millennials. Stop me if this sounds familiar. I had to double-check the year on my calendar to make sure I wasn’t having another flashback or malaria-induced fever dream.
I’ve never been a fan of Ted Cruz. His so-called “conservatism” has always struck me as phonier than Barack Obama’s so-called “birth certificate.” I thought his coloring book was a heaping pile of left-wing propaganda aimed at our nation’s youth, and don’t get me started on his perverse obsession with Hollywood actor Ronald Reagan.
Attorney General Eric Holder said something yesterday that caught my eye:
Holder on his nationwide tour post-Ferguson: “I’m going to be putting a lot of miles on my airplane”
— Zeke Miller (@ZekeJMiller) December 2, 2014
FERGUSON, Mo. — A couple of weeks ago I was on a date with a lovely woman of the goth persuasion. I was doing pretty well—naturally—and she invited me to her apartment in Brooklyn, where she put on some music to set the mood.
And when I heard the first few chords of Green Day’s soft-core punk anthem “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life),” I began to weep uncontrollably.
Not because the song elicits memories of my days purging Eastern Europe of Soviet meatheads. Not because I wanted to invite the sympathy of my companion, to feel the bristles of her Elvira wig against my cheek, her black-painted nails pressed into my shoulder.
No. I wept for America.
Today, America’s children will take to the streets. Fortunately, it won’t be to cast votes. (It’s bad enough that non-military citizens under 40 are allowed to vote, in my humble opinion.)
No, what I’m talking about is much, much worse: the godforsaken ritual known as “Halloween.”
As far as made-up holidays go, Halloween is more of an abomination than Thanksgiving, which, as I have previously explained, is basically a glorified ode to appeasement, teeming with hideous gourds. Dining with the enemy? Sounds like something John Kerry would do.