Biff Diddle is the Washington Free Beacon ombudsman. A successful businessman and self-published thought leader, Diddle holds a master’s degree in Caribbean literature from the University of Saint Croix (Virgin Islands) and is an expert in island-based social media. In his spare time, he enjoys shopping for deals online, experiencing culture, and enjoying the singles lifestyle. Diddle lives in Washington, D.C., where is learning to play the upright bass.
Decadence is a helluva drug, and America is addicted. That includes you, dear reader, and everyone you know. Irredeemably possessed of self-infatuation. Pining for the perfect tweet. Smothered in selfie filters. Hanging brain on conference calls. Emotionally invested in "elections" and their "results." Who "won" this time? Who cares? It's time for an intervention.
On this day, freedom lovers in America and beyond are compelled to honor the 75th anniversary of one of mankind’s most significant achievements: The successful nuclear attack on the enemy port of Hiroshima in Imperial Japan. The Washington Free Beacon commissioned a sonnet to mark the occasion. Enjoy!
MINSK — Folks! I am currently en route to [redacted] to attend a happy hour honoring the birthdays of Muslim icons Yasser Arafat and Barack Obama but was compelled to weigh in on the so-called viral interview between President Donald J. Trump and Jonathan Swan, the chief "fake news" reporter for Axios, a remedial blog for people with short attention spans.
Ombudsman’s Note: This opinion column was published with the express written consent of every member of the Washington Free Beacon staff. Anything less would, in our view, violate the free-speech principles on which our country was founded. It has not been fact-checked or edited for tone.
Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom — not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”
Note: The following passages are excerpted from “The Twelve Days of Biffmas,” a holiday-themed chapter in the forthcoming self-published memoir “Diddle Me This,” by Free Beacon Ombudsman Biff Diddle. Enjoy!
It's Diddle time, folks. I've got an hour to kill before my spoken word jazz exhibition at the Soul Society here in Belgrade, so I figured I'd bang out some (contractually mandated) responses to the feedback I've received from fans of the Free Beacon podcast, "Right and Righter."
Diddle here. I’d like to say a quick hello to all my readers and fans and ex-lovers before attending to the matter at hand. Perhaps you’re wondering where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to. I don’t blame you. The answers to those questions, and many others, will reveal themselves in time.
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Biff Diddle is the Washington Free Beacon ombudsman. A successful businessman and self-published thought leader, Diddle holds a master’s degree in Caribbean literature from the University of Saint Croix (Virgin Islands) and is an expert in island-based social media. In his spare time, he enjoys shopping for deals online, experiencing culture, and enjoying the singles lifestyle. Diddle lives in Washington, D.C., where is learning to play the upright bass. 
Decadence is a helluva drug, and America is addicted. That includes you, dear reader, and everyone you know. Irredeemably possessed of self-infatuation. Pining for the perfect tweet. Smothered in selfie filters. Hanging brain on conference calls. Emotionally invested in "elections" and their "results." Who "won" this time? Who cares? It's time for an intervention.
