(This completely serious parody was inspired by the completely serious parody that appears in the December 2020 issue of Washingtonian magazine.) 
Decadence is a helluva drug, and America is addicted. That includes you, dear reader, and everyone you know. Irredeemably possessed of self-infatuation. Pining for the perfect tweet. Smothered in selfie filters. Hanging brain on conference calls. Emotionally invested in "elections" and their "results." Who "won" this time? Who cares? It's time for an intervention.
One of the perks of being a professional journalist is all the text messages we get from friends explaining how their children reacted to various political events. CNN's Jake Tapper, for example, shared one of these exchanges on air following the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden.
President Donald Trump and former vice president Joe Biden will square off in Cleveland on Tuesday in the first presidential debate. They will discuss a number of issues, including whether or not Biden is under the influence of performance-enhancing drugs, and why his campaign refused to submit to an earpiece inspection. 
Scroll down to learn everything you need to know about the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. 
Using advanced algorithmic technology purchased on the dark web, the Washington Free Beacon has created a bot capable of performing journalism at a professional level. This week, we forced the bot to review media reports on Amy Coney Barrett, the frontrunner to be President Donald Trump's nominee to the Supreme Court, and asked it to write its own report based on that analysis. Here is the result.
We regret to inform you America's journalists are at it again. Despite the stern warning from feminist groups to refrain from "sexist news coverage" by "reporting, even as an aside, on a woman's looks," the mainstream media continues to obsess over the fashion choices of Joe Biden's historic female running mate, Kamala Harris.
Nobel Peace Prize nominee and President of the United States Donald J. Trump knows a thing or two about making deals. For starters, he wrote the definitive book on the subject. Some consider The Art of the Deal to be on par with the Bible in terms of its insight into the human condition.
Liberals seized on remarks President Donald J. Trump made at a campaign rally in Nevada over the weekend, accusing the elected leader of imperiling our democratic norms.
The U.S. journalism industry is dominated by white people, according to a recent analysis conducted by the New York Times, a very white journalistic organization. 