The Conservative Case for a Coup

Real authoritarianism has never been tried in America

November 10, 2020

Editor's Note: Biff Diddle is the self-described acting supreme editor and ombudsman of the Washington Free Beacon. This column reflects his personal views and not those of the publication. Unlike some news organizations, the Free Beacon values freedom of speech, diversity of thought, and open debate. We're not afraid to publish controversial opinions, and we never will be. So suck on that. 

Decadence is a helluva drug, and America is addicted. That includes you, dear reader, and everyone you know. Irredeemably possessed of self-infatuation. Pining for the perfect tweet. Smothered in selfie filters. Hanging brain on conference calls. Emotionally invested in "elections" and their "results." Who "won" this time? Who cares? It's time for an intervention.

Most addicts need to hit rock bottom before they seek help. Well, America suffered eight years under a failed president (B. Hussein Obama) and almost picked Hillary Clinton to succeed him. If that isn't rock bottom, I don't know what is. Just look at yourself, America. Do you feel strong?

Don't get me started on Donald Trump. The Western democracies haven't elected a real strongman since Margaret Thatcher, and Trump is no exception. He epitomizes decadence, even if he sometimes gets it right on policy. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Ruth Bader Ginsburg are dead, but so is Jeffrey Epstein, and Hillary Clinton has yet to be indicted. Some call that leadership. I call it a disgrace.

Is Trump better than the libs? It's a fair question. Is gonorrhea better than syphilis? (I wouldn't know.) I'd rather focus on the fact that our country has been under assault from communists for the better part of a year, and I'm not just talking about Joe Biden. By refusing to take military action in response to the China plague, America has entered the "let's try fentanyl" phase of our addiction to decadence.

There's no cure for this addiction, only treatment. The first step is admitting we have a problem, and seeking help. Next, we need to stop behaving so irresponsibly. Holding an election in the middle of a plague? Voting by mail? Turning a blind eye to foreign meddling by renegade Swedes? It's a cry for help.

The third step, obviously, is a military coup. Yes, I'm serious. Don't like it? Grow a pair. Now is the worst possible time to undergo a regime change. Trump is on the verge of curing the China virus, and we still haven't figured out what the hell is going on. It's time for the non-Deep State elements of the military establishment to step in and seize power—temporarily, indefinitely, whatever.

Don't—and I can't stress this enough—get your panties in a bunch. Just think of it as "mandatory rehab," because at this point it's our only option. We're too far gone to see the light. Some of you are losing sleep at the thought of the Supreme Court deciding an election, when in fact the mere existence of a Supreme Court should keep you up at night. Same goes for Congress, the Department of Education, and so on.

Real authoritarianism has never been tried in America. What is the downside to giving it a chance? It might very well be the case that a few (intelligently implemented) authoritarian reform measures—indefinite suspension of elections, hyper-militarization, Guantanamo for journalists, etc.—will usher in a golden age of political cohesion.

Take the ChiComs, for example. The libs hate them (in theory) because their industrialization is "destroying the planet," and because they're probably tired of apologizing for communist genocide. Real Americans hate them for better reasons, but there's no reason to think this great authoritarian moment in our country's history can't also be a bipartisan one.

The agenda practically writes itself. Jail the journos, obviously, and engineer a prisoner exchange for Chinese Uighurs. Bomb the power plants and factories to combat climate change. Start making stuff in America again. Exert our dominion over the world again. Is that too much to ask?