HISTORY IN THE MAKING: Hillary Clinton Would Be the First Corporation to Win the Presidency

They're people, too, my friend

• July 20, 2015 4:39 pm


Hillary Clinton, Inc., is not only vying to become one of the oldest world leaders in history, she is also trying to make history by becoming the first Corporation-American to be elected president. If successful, she would also become the first white Democrat to win the White House since her husband in 1992 (and 1996).

As a corporation-individual, Hillary is uniquely suited to represent the Democratic Party in the post-Obama era, a party that rejects the class-based brand of paleo-socialism espoused by Bernie Sanders, in favor of a soft-core corporatism doused in identity politics. The Clintons reported pre-tax earnings of more than $30 million over the past year by giving speeches to Wall Street banks and other major corporations. This is consistent with the modern Democratic view that individuals/corporation are entitled to obscene wealth so long as they believe the right things. People like environmentalist billionaire Tom Steyer and former Obama strategist David Plouffe, for example, who currently strategizes for Uber, a massive "sharing economy" conglomerate that principled old-school liberals like New York mayor Bill de Blasio want to destroy.

Like any corporation with a halfway-decent public relations office, Hillary knows how to pander using superficial signaling on social media. Sure, she didn't support gay marriage until 2013, but she changed her Twitter avatar to a rainbow super fast after that Supreme Court ruling. She knows how to rebrand herself by disavowing and apologizing for past positions most Democrats now find deplorable, such as supporting the Iraq War and her husband's mass-incarceration policies. Domino's did the same thing when it apologized for making terrible pizza.

Hillary Clinton is savvy enough to realize that saying "all lives matter" is a faux pas. If you say that, you will be forced to apologize. So, rather than demean herself by appearing at this year's Netroots Nation conference in Phoenix, where other candidates were heckled by #BlackLivesMatter protesters, Hillary signaled her support for the movement during a Facebook Q&A. Corporations like Hillary Clinton confront difficult issues at a time and manner of their choosing, which is why Hillary waited three weeks to comment on the shooting death of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri, and finally did so from an appropriately corporate venue: the OpenSDX Summit and the St. Regis Hotel in San Francisco. When she finally visited the Ferguson area to give a speech on social inequality, she arrived in a private jet just like any self-respecting CEO/champion of "everyday Americans."

Today's corporations and their shady oligarchic counterparts understand that in order to be accepted by society they need to be seen as "caring," by for example, rebranding their products as "green." Another great way to do this is to give money to charitable causes, or better yet, to start your own charitable foundation. That way, if the corporation or even the charitable foundation itself is criticized, you can easily defend yourself by pointing to all the "good work" you do around the world, and deploying a bunch of corporate nonsense about how your goal is to "promote creative collaboration across antiquated divides." The Clinton Foundation has successfully deployed this strategy. Hillary has also kept her various scandals under wraps by simply refusing to answer questions. Because at the end of the day, who cares? You don't have to patronize Clinton, Inc., but if you don't, just know that you're on the wrong side of history.