FACT CHECK: Hillary Clinton Claims ‘I Am a Real Person’

Stunningly lifelike. (AP)

Hillary Clinton has a history of making factually challenged statements. Back in July, for example, she insisted during an interview with CNN: "People should and do trust me." (They don't, and they shouldn't.)

On Sunday, Clinton made a rare appearance on Face The Nation, and made the following controversial claim:

"I mean, look, I am a real person." —Hillary Clinton (September 20, 2015)

Is Hillary Clinton a "real" "person"? Given the closely guarded nature of her alleged medical records and/or diagnostic reports, this is a difficult question to answer. The Free Beacon takes a back seat to no one in its commitment to the truth, so we deployed our most advanced  algorithms in an effort to validity of Hillary's claim. Our analysis found evidence to suggest that Hillary does, in fact, possess some basic human qualities. For example:

  • Craves money, will do practically anything to obtain it, despite already being massively wealthy;

 

  • Is obsessed with power/prestige, has spent almost two decades trying to achieve dream job (POTUS);

 

 

  • Does not hesitate to lie if she thinks it will help her get what she wants;

 

 

  • Exhibits signs of acute paranoia, thinks the entire world is against her;

 

 

  • Appears to suffer from memory loss due to old age, like a normal human;

 

 

  • Once found Bill Clinton charming;

 

 

  • Very little evidence to suggest she did not give birth to a human child in 1980;

 

 

  • Prefers obscene luxury of private air travel to debasement of sharing plane with commoners;

 

 

  • Possesses a basic understanding of humor, as displayed during a laugh-filled retelling of her successful defense of a child rapist;

 

 

  • Appears to anger easily, a trait commonly found in humans;

 

 

  • On at least one occasion, has demonstrated an ability to walk unassisted on a sandy beach, which can be quite difficult terrain for even the most advanced bipedal androids to navigate.

On the other hand, we must consider the numerous facts that cast doubt on her claims of personhood, such as:

  • People who spend their entire lives in politics are by definition not "real," in the conventional sense;

 

  • "Real" people who become grandmothers typically want to spent time with their grandchildren, rather than line up to eat fried pork sticks at the Iowa State Fair;

 

 

 

 

  • Sipping water while nodding AND making eye contact with a human being (a.k.a. The Triple Threat) is believed to be beyond the present capabilities of everyday humans, but not Hillary;

 

 

 

 

  • Most real humans have driven a car at least once in the past two decades;

 

 

  • Hillary Clinton is just not very lifelike

 

 

 

In light of this evidence, we are unable to weigh in definitively at this time. We rate this claim:

incolnclusive

(But probably false.)