Affluent Grandmother Is 2016 Frontrunner

Clinton granddaughter named after wife of anti-American tyrant

Hillary Clinton prepares to juggle microphones for money. (AP)
September 29, 2014

The 2016 frontrunner for the Democratic nomination is an affluent 66-year-old grandmother named Hillary Clinton, the Free Beacon has learned. She is pictured below (seated, obviously).

The American people's wildest dreams were realized over the weekend when Chelsea Clinton gave birth to Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky, the most famous grandchild since Margaret Laura 'Mila' Hager, granddaughter of Greatest Living President George W. Bush.

"The stars align for baby Charlotte," read the headline from Beltway tabloid THE POLITICO, which quoted leading astrologists predicting the child "is destined for a future working on social justice and will enjoy a strong relationship with her proud grandparents."

The baby's name had been—and still is—the subject of important, thought-leading analysis. The Free Beacon’s own team of anthroponymy experts has concluded that "Charlotte" is commonly associated with Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz, wife of King George III, the British monarch whose oppressive regime and pro-tax policies inspired the American revolution. The largest city in North Carolina, a crucial swing state, is also named after Queen Charlotte. Its former mayor, Patrick Cannon, recently pled guilty to public corruption charges.

UPDATE: Freelance experts have informed the Free Beacon that "Charlotte" is also the name of the adorable groundhog that was murdered in brutal fashion by New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, a raging liberal.

VIDEO: Mainstream media celebrates the historic birth (via NewsBusters)