Underachieving NBA Owner Ignores ‘Obama Curse,’ Seeks Advice From Former POTUS

Wizards fans should temper their expectations for upcoming season

Ted Leonsis, owner of the Washington Wizards, a perennially underachieving NBA franchise that has only made the playoffs four times in nine seasons under his ownership, and has never advanced beyond the conference semi-finals, continues to make questionable decisions in a effort to build a winning team.

Trump Launches New Offensive in War for Human Supremacy

New regulatory guidelines seek to end coddling of "threatened" species

One of the many historic successes of Donald Trump's presidency is the impressive degree to which he has advanced the cause of human dominion over the animal kingdom. Since Trump took office, mankind has enjoyed unprecedented species dominance both in the United States and around the world. The nerds at the United Nations even published a report warning that up to a million plant and animal species were at risk of going extinct in the coming decades.

ANALYSIS: CNN Has a White Supremacy Problem

Network leases NYC office space from billionaire Trump donor

The libs are up in arms again after learning that billionaire Stephen Ross, owner of the élite fitness institutions Equinox and SoulCycle, is hosting a fundraiser this week for President Donald Trump. Doing what comes naturally, the aggrieved libs demanded a boycott Ross’s companies. Anything less would amount to a tacit endorsement of white supremacy — and, as far as the most aggrieved of the libs are concerned, of the actual murder of innocents at the hands of a racist lunatic in El Paso.

COUNTERPOINT: What To Do If The Worthless Youngsters In Your Life Get Their Panties In A Bunch Over Your Internet Habits

Get off my digital lawn, you feckless ingrates

Summer is great for three reasons: 1) jet skis, 2) babes in bikinis, and 3) the dank memes coursing through my social feeds. Not surprisingly, the libs are trying to ban all three. Jets skis are "dangerous" and "bad for the environment." Looking at hot babes is "sexist" and "oppressive." Now they've decided that old people can't be trusted with technology, and sharing a dank meme about Bill de Blasio's freakish body or Hillary Clinton's secret death squads is "conspiracy mongering."

“Mean Girls” Starring “The Squad”

No, you can't sit with them

“The Squad” is the hottest thing in Democratic Party politics since Barack Obama, or maybe even the Gore-Lieberman ticket. This gang of brash young freshmen is hell bent on running the school this year, and putting those annoying seniors in their place. Watch your back, Nancy!

American Birds Retaliate for Obama-Era Killing Spree

Revenge of the birds

Obama's primary goal as president — apart from transforming America into a radical hellscape of feral bureaucrats chanting in "woke" tongues and breaking into preschools and daycare centers to replace all the story-time books with Korans — was to kill or maim as many majestic flying creatures (especially bald eagles) as the ruthless war machines under his command would allow. Now that this genocidal maniac is out of office, America's birds have finally mustered up the courage to fight back

Suggestions for Things to Name After Donald Trump

If and when he finally leaves office

Even Barack Obama has things named after him, such as President Barack H. Obama Highway in California, Mount Obama in Antigua and Barbuda (originally "Boggy Peak"), a horse that competed at the World Equestrian Games, and a new species of sea slug — Placida barackobamai. If and when President Donald J. Trump leaves office, what are some of the things we should name after him?