GUEST COLUMN: How to Own Your Obnoxious Fauci-Loving Nephew (and Other Libs) This Memorial Day Weekend

May 29, 2021

This Memorial Day weekend, many families will gather together for the first time since the COVID-19 "pandemic" empowered four-eyed bureaucrats to dictate how free people should live their lives. It's a time for grilling meat, throwing back Bud Heavies, honoring our fallen soldiers, and watching the Indy 500.

If the past year has taught us anything, it's that time with family is something to be cherished. As Counting Crows (feat. Vanessa Carlton) observed so eloquently on the eve of the Iraq war in 2003: "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."

Alas, this time together has become increasingly difficult to cherish these days due to the fact that most families have at least one obnoxious lib who is incapable of having fun. It's not like it used to be. Libs these days bear no resemblance to the longhaired hippie peace freaks who just wanted to get high, listen to Skynyrd, and fool around in the mud. They don't care about any of that. They just want to lecture everyone about inclusive equity and white fragility.

Virginia's Arlington County, for example, has published a series of self-guided "toolkits" designed to "spark conversations with family, friends, and neighbors" about bias, equity, and privilege. Each program "will take about an hour and can be done in informal settings such as with family around the dinner table." For crying out loud. I risked my life invading Grenada for this?

My nephew Brayden, 32, is a self-described "Fauci stan" who wasted $16.99 of Donald Trump's stimulus money on a WNBA League Pass. He doesn't actually watch the games, but he constantly posts Instagram memes about his commitment to "sports equity." He's gotten every COVID-19 vaccine on the market—even the Russian and Chinese ones, purchased on the dark web with unemployment benefits—but he still sleeps and showers in a mask. He's pursuing an associate's degree in nonbinary literature at Strayer University.

All I'm saying is, you've got to be prepared. I don't want Brayden to ruin my Memorial Day weekend, just as I don't want the obnoxious libs in your family to ruin yours. That's why I'm sharing the following tips for how to put your lib relatives in their place early and often. The goal is to demoralize them into submission, something that comes naturally to the modern lib. Oh, and don't forget to have fun!

• Make them an offer they can't accept. For example, agree to spend five minutes discussing "The 1619 Project" as a family for every five yards the lanky lib can throw a football. When they inevitably respond, "This isn't a fútbol," that's when you break the news about the grocery store being out of veggie hotdogs.

• Get them on the record regarding the "lab leak" theory of COVID-19. They'll probably say something like, "That's racist," or some other scientifically profound explanation. Kindly ask them to remove their masks, because you're having trouble understanding them. Once they've done so, you can apologize for the fart that just "leaked" out of your ass.

• "Do the work," the lib will probably say at some point, most likely out of frustration and/or intellectual lethargy. That's a perfect opportunity to ask them about their employment status and history. Force them to reveal the truth about their experience with actual "work," and don't let up until they're ranting hysterically about their "lived experience."

• Find a spare moment to deflate the tires on the obnoxious lib's bicycle. This will produce a much-needed moment of levity when they attempt to storm off in a fit of rage, only to be thwarted by your ruthless ingenuity. The whole family will laugh about it for years to come.

Happy Memorial Day, folks!

Published under: Parody