EXCLUSIVE: Prostate Cancer Vows To Find Out Who Did This to O.J.

Maligned disease is no hero, experts say, but a symbol of triumph over structural inequity

April 12, 2024

Orenthal James "O.J." Simpson, aka the Juice, died Wednesday at the age of 76. He lived an American life. He dreamed the American Dream. He achieved that dream, then lost it following an encounter with the criminal justice system. Due to the relentless nagging of Ron Goldman's family, he never reclaimed it.

Simpson was a San Francisco native, the son of a federal bureaucrat and renowned drag queen, a survivor of rickets, running back for the University of Southern California, the 1968 Heisman Trophy winner, the Buffalo Bills running back who became the first player in NFL history to rush for more than 2,000 yards in a season, father of five, ex-husband of two, host of the short-lived hidden-camera prank show Juiced!, and star of the Naked Gun film franchise alongside Leslie Nielsen.

Authorities contend—but have yet to prove beyond a reasonable doubt—that Simpson died after a violent battle with Prostate Cancer, with whom Simpson reportedly had a turbulent, mutually obsessive relationship since May 2023. Meanwhile, some experts say the rush to blame Prostate Cancer is a manifestation of malign structural forces engineered to enforce systemic bias and inequality—even if Prostate Cancer is guilty as hell.

"Prostate Cancer is an abusive liar who abandoned their community long before they killed O.J. Simpson in cold blood," former CNN commentator Marc Lamont Hill wrote on social media. "Nevertheless, they should be acquitted for that murder because civilization is structurally and systemically bad."

Prostate Cancer weighed in on the case and so much more in an exclusive interview with the Washington Free Beacon.

How are you holding up amid the personal attacks and innuendo? 

It's been tough. Everyone assumes I did it. I wanna scream from the rooftop, "Not all cancer kills." But I don't think anyone would actually listen. My family has received death threats and rape threats on social media. The New York Times published an op-ed that was morally equivalent to violence. The word "trauma" gets thrown around a lot these days, but that's exactly what I'm going through. It's been traumatic.

Speaking of death threats, Joe Biden promised to cure cancer by 2025. He's the president of the United States. How does it make you feel to be on the receiving end of such openly genocidal rhetoric? Are you concerned for your personal safety? 

I'm gonna be honest, it doesn't feel great to hear the most powerful man on Earth declare war on your very existence. It's hard enough to survive in this country when the system is rigged. You have Big Pharma. You have the radiation lobby. That bitch Susan G. Komen, aka Cancer Karen. People are chopping their tits and balls off even if they aren't sick. All this "war on cancer" saber-rattling, it's relentless. Anyone with a shred of decency should be demanding a ceasefire.

I would imagine this has made it almost impossible for you to achieve the American Dream? Is that right? 

Yes, that's right.

Shifting gears, now. Did you kill Orenthal James Simpson? 

Absolutely not.

Did you murder him in cold blood? 

Absolutely not. Why would—

Are you guilty? Yes or no? 

No. Same answer. I did not, could not, and would not have committed this crime. I'm innocent.

It literally says 'prostate cancer' on the death certificate. It's listed as the cause of death. 

Good luck proving that in court.

Fair enough. Let's zoom out a bit and speak more generally. Black men are more than twice as likely to die from prostate cancer compared to other men, according to the Centers for Disease Control. Are you racist? 

I'm not going to answer that.

Are you? 


Yeah you are. Racist. 

Oh, for crying out loud! You smug son of a bitch. Gary Cooper, Dennis Hopper, Jerry Orbach from Law & Order, the guy who invented the cotton gin.

Really? The cotton gin?

Those are just some of the white people I've killed.

So you admit to being a killer? 

That's not—I meant "allegedly." This interview has gone on long enough. My team of lawyers will be in touch.

If it wasn't you then how did O.J. Simpson die? 

I don't know but I intend to find out. My priority right now is hunting down the real killer or killers. I loved O.J. Simpson, and whoever did this better watch their back.

Is that a threat?

That's a promise.