ANALYSIS: Biden’s Bloodthirsty Dog Planning to Fetch Power

Champ’s death means there’s nothing stopping Major, experts say

June 23, 2021

President Joe Biden’s renegade dog Major could be primed to unleash a reign of terror following the death of Champ, the elder and much-better-behaved German Shepherd widely believed to be the only thing keeping the vicious Major at bay. 

Experts largely agreed that Champ, who died Saturday at the age of 13, was a good boy. But even his statesmanlike demeanor was not enough to stop the three-year-old Major from attacking government employees and defecating inside the White House. With Champ out of the picture, there’s no telling what Major will do next.

"As the beta dog in the White House, Major stuck to biting park rangers," said Dr. Patrick Ames, director of the Weller Institute of Canine Psychology. "Now that he’s the alpha, we should expect a much more aggressive streak to emerge," Ames told the Washington Free Beacon. "There will be blood."

The Bidens sent Major to Delaware for "training" in early March after the dog attacked a member of White House security. He "returned" to Pennsylvania Avenue in mid-March, only to attack a National Park Service employee days later. The injury, which the First Lady’s office described as a "nip," was severe enough to require medical attention.

Some believe Major’s aggressive nature casts a concerning light on Champ’s untimely demise.

"As with authoritarian leaders and mafiosi, German Shepherds have been known to claw their way to the top by any means necessary," said Becca Davis, senior fellow at the Schneider Center for Alsatian Power. "Major wouldn’t be the first Deutschlander to engineer a contemporary’s demise in order to consolidate power."

Nor would it be Major’s first attempt at a White House coup. In November 2020, then-president-elect Biden fractured his right foot while "playing" with Major after "getting out of the shower." While the AARP reported that falls and fractures are common in men of Biden’s advanced age, sources close to the matter tell the Free Beacon that the incident was far from playful.

"Look, the man rides his Peloton every single day," said the source, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation. "Do you really think he’d just fall playing with a dog? Wake up! Something funny’s going on here."

D.C.’s most prominent canines are scrambling to respond to the shifting power dynamic in the White House.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s (D., N.Y.) French bulldog Deco is holed up in her luxury Navy Yard apartment, leaving only for Tesla trips to the neighborhood Whole Foods. Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s (D., Mass.) golden retriever Bailey, best known for stealing strangers’ burritos, was recently found to be 1/64th German Shepherd and is reportedly trying to secure an alliance with Major.

Truman and Buddy Buttigieg, known sycophants who congratulated Champ and Major on Twitter after Biden’s election, did not return a request for comment.

Not everyone in Washington is worried about Major’s untimely rise to power.

"Champ was stuck in the past, but Major has all four paws pointed toward the future," said Troy Beauregard, senior fellow in Siamese cat studies at the Quincy Institute. "We’re optimistic that Major will push the Biden administration to a more prudent position on U.S.-China relations."

At press time, Major was last seen strolling the grounds of the Naval Observatory and discussing the 2024 presidential election with a cackling Kamala Harris.

Published under: Dogs , Joe Biden , Parody