GUEST COLUMN: How to Survive Independence Day with Your Lazy-Assed, Freedom-Hating Millennial Nephew

Celebrating the birth of the greatest country on Earth wasn’t always such a controversial affair. I remember a time when freedom-loving citizens could stroll into their local grocery wearing an America-themed tank top, or maybe a cutoff tee, and be greeted with high fives and chants of “U-S-A!” Then you’d march back out into the summer heat cradling two cases of Bud Heavy and a bucket of meat for the grill. It was a simpler time, when you could buy fireworks by the crate without having to show ID, or sign a waiver, or be bombarded with government warnings about the risks of “operating while intoxicated.”  

GUEST COLUMN: How to Talk to Your Pansy Marxist Nephew at Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for publishing my column. I’m a big fan of this holiday because few things are more American than boozing up and chowing down ’til your ankles swell and your corduroys pop. In between, you get to watch some football and share your thoughts on the trainwreck presidency of Barack Hussein Obama (hint hint).