China Thanks You for the Apology, Mr. Cena. Now, If You Don't Mind, Could You Please Do It Again in a Lady's Voice?

An open letter from the Chinese president

May 25, 2021

Editor's note: This guest column is the latest entry in our "Unique Perspectives" series. Enjoy!

Dear Mr. John Cena,

Your very, very, very, very, very, very incorrect statement about China has shrouded your family in tremendous shame. You did the right thing by apologizing—and so profusely!

Before I can accept your apology on behalf of the Chinese people, however, I must require that you clarify the following items of great importance:

1) Upon reflection, I'm afraid I cannot accept your apology in its current form. Before I address my substantive objections, allow me to offer a note on style. In your next apology video, if you don't mind, could you speak in the voice of a young lady? If wearing a lady's outfit or some other type of costume would help you get "in character," we would be happy to provide one.

2) Your apology, while appreciated, was unreasonably vague. "I'm sorry for my mistake," you said. Could you please elaborate? What, exactly, was your mistake? What steps will you take to reeducate yourself so as not to repeat the mistake in the future? Please list them in detail.

3) You also said: "I love, and respect even more, China and the Chinese people." Is it true that your love for China is less than your respect for China? Imagine saying such a thing to your beautiful wife. Would that not offend her? Please explain.

4) Your use of the Mandarin language is appreciated, but I must request that next time you also record an English version of the apology. I think you would agree the American audience deserves to understand the magnitude of your regret and to hear it expressed in a language they understand—spoken in a lady's voice, for the sake of continuity.

5) Because your first apology was so vague and incomplete, I suggest you incorporate the following contextual details in your next attempt. I'd really appreciate your help setting the record straight on a number of issues. The true origin of the SARS-CoV-2 virus, for example. Please relay the fact that China's leading experts have determined the source of the virus to be the vengeful ghost of a CIA spy whose fetish for bat guano precipitated his untimely death.

6) You claim to love China, but I was hoping you could be a little more specific. If I had to guess, I'd say one of the things you love most is our militant devotion to the rule of law, specifically with regard to the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region. If you could simply affirm that the terrorists who commit treason there are in fact "worse than ISIS," that'd be great.

7) I would further suggest that one of the other things you love about China is our ruthless commitment to inclusive equity. In Xinjiang province, for example, our minority vocational training initiative has been a groundbreaking success. I am told LeBron James is a big fan. Applauding this initiative would help convey the sincerity of your apology in the eyes of the Chinese people.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

Your pal,

Xi Jinping

President, People's Republic of China

Chairman, Central Military Commission

General Secretary, Chinese Communist Party

Chief Content Officer, Motion Picture Association of America