Satire

SHOTS FIRED: Joe Biden Threatens to Destroy CNN if Elected

Former vice president Joe Biden posted a seemingly innocent Twitter message on Thursday regarding the social media strategy he would pursue if elected president in November.

Reading between the lines, however, Biden's message suggests a sinister plot to bankrupt CNN by destroying the left-wing media network's business model.

For example, an IQ Media search of the phrase "the president just tweeted" yields almost 200 results from CNN programming. Brian Stelter, the host of Reliable Sources, has devoted ample time and resources to spell-checking President Donald Trump's tweets and analyzing the frequency and engagement levels of said tweets.

During the 2016 presidential campaign, CNN's obsession with all things Trump helped the eventual GOP nominee earn more than $2 billion in free media coverage. "CNN helped make [Trump] by carrying every speech he made in the primary season," said former CNN anchor Larry King. "It was almost like the other guys didn't exist."

Joe Biden's central campaign message in 2020—"I'm not Donald Trump"—is an existential threat to CNN. Stelter and other opinion journalists are especially vulnerable. What will become of the newspaper columnists who earn six-figure salaries writing weekly screeds about why the thing Trump said or did is bad or dangerous or evil or a threat to democracy?

Pray for them. If Biden does win, American media consumers will be deprived of some of the most exemplary journalism ever produced in our nation's history. Here is a sample. Enjoy it while you still can.