Parody

NO KIDDING: America’s Children Weigh in on the Trump-Biden Debate

One of the perks of being a professional journalist is all the text messages we get from friends explaining how their children reacted to various political events. CNN's Jake Tapper, for example, shared one of these exchanges on air following the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

"We're all getting text messages from friends all over the country. A friend of mine in Kansas City watching her first debate with her sixth-grade daughter. Daughter bursts into tears, has to run to bed because she was so appalled, this sixth-grade girl, at what she saw from the president of the United States," Tapper relayed to his colleagues, who were also appalled.

In the interest of fairness and journalistic integrity, the Washington Free Beacon reached out directly to children who watched the debate. We wanted to hear directly from them, and to provide an outlet for the kids to express their thoughts on Tuesday's debate—free of parental meddling. You might be surprised by what they had to say.

Johnny G., Age 10:

"That orange fella was awfully loud. I can see why some people took offense. But in my view, Joe Biden's refusal to take a position on court packing and ending the filibuster was simply disqualifying, and a real bummer—especially for someone like me, a member of the future generation."

Jasmine F., Age 9:

"That debate was turnt AF! I'm obsessed with listening to great minds battle it out in debate. Sure, there was a lot of interrupting, but it was the name-calling that really upset me. Joe Biden kept calling Donald Trump a ‘clown,' which I thought was pretty tasteless and immature. My homeroom teacher is always telling us to respect others, even our enemies."

Lincoln W., Age 8:

"I guess now we know why Biden's campaign backed out of the ear-pierce inspection before the debate. Did you see that bulge under his suit jacket?"

Wario P., Age 9: 

"Joe ‘Botox' Biden has the smoothest forehead I have ever seen. He's like that lame grandfather who gives out raisins and toothpaste on Halloween. Trump seems like a full-size candy bar kind of guy, which totally rules. I also found myself agreeing with most of his attacks on deadbeat Hunter Biden. What was all that foreign money for?"

Geraldine C., Age 7:

"All the adults are talking about how Joe Biden ‘exceeded expectations.' Why, exactly? Because he didn’t make a mess on stage by peeing or pooping through his diapers? I think we should expect more from our presidential candidates."

McBraylen Q., Age 13:

"I was listening to a Blink-182 song the other day and the lyrics really struck a chord with me: ‘Corporate leaders, politicians. Kids can't vote, adults elect them.' I don't think America's kids would vote for either of these geezers, but especially not Joe Biden. He said the Green New Deal would ‘pay for itself,' but he doesn't support it? C'mon man."

Brendetta J., Age 10:

"I think Trump probably would have won if Chris Wallace hadn't teamed up with Sleepy Joe. I hate to say it, but the media really is the enemy of the people. I enjoyed the discussion about tax policy, but I wish they'd talked about more kid-focused issues, such as why Joe Biden still won't acknowledge the existence of the son Hunter fathered with that stripper from Arkansas. The DNA test was conclusive, and I thought Democrats were supposed to believe in science."