Parody

EXCLUSIVE: Election Day War Game Yields Explosive Results

A shadowy group of former Obama officials called the Transition Integrity Project has been hosting Election Day war games to determine what might transpire if Joe Biden and his supporters refuse to concede defeat in November.

Ben Smith of the New York Times reports on the various shenanigans the libs might try to pull in the event that Trump is reelected:

For their war game, they cast John Podesta, who was Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman, in the role of Mr. Biden. They expected him, when the votes came in, to concede, just as Mrs. Clinton had.

But Mr. Podesta, playing Mr. Biden, shocked the organizers by saying he felt his party wouldn’t let him concede. Alleging voter suppression, he persuaded the governors of Wisconsin and Michigan to send pro-Biden electors to the Electoral College.

In that scenario, California, Oregon, and Washington then threatened to secede from the United States if Mr. Trump took office as planned. The House named Mr. Biden president; the Senate and White House stuck with Mr. Trump. At that point in the scenario, the nation stopped looking to the media for cues, and waited to see what the military would do.

The Washington Free Beacon, in pursuit of its founding mission to preserve American greatness through war-related activities, decided to conduct its own Election Day War Game using the most advanced blockchain algorithms available on the dark web. The explosive results didn't shock us, but they will probably shock you. Here's a summary of what happened:

  • Joe Biden refuses to concede and goes into hiding after winning just 212 electoral votes.
  • President Trump holds an impromptu rally in front of the Memory Care unit of the Delaware hospice center where Biden is believed to be "resting." Don Jr. leads the crowd in a chant of "four more terms!"
  • Gov. Gavin Newsom (D., Calif.) declares a state of emergency and calls a snap referendum on secession. Via executive order, he lowers the voting age to 10 and permits voting by TikTok. Driven by strong tween turnout, California votes to be absorbed by the People's Republic of China. Days later, Oregon and Washington follow suit.
  • Federal forces of ambiguous affiliation land in California to seize oil reserves and coordinate resistance factions within the state. Elon Musk is appointed Lord Commander of the Free Western Territories. Hundreds of secessionist politicians and their enablers in the mainstream media are arrested and transferred to Guantanamo Bay.
  • President Trump negotiates a historic deal with Barstool Sports to place cameras throughout the Guantanamo facility and allow citizens to place bets on everything from gladiator-style fights between journalists at rival networks to the number of days Gov. Newsom can abstain from self-pleasure. The new website is called LibsInCages.Gov.
  • Mitt Romney is arrested after leading a Mormon mercenary force—The Latter-day Soljaz—in an unsuccessful attempt to reacquire the Free Western Territories on behalf of the ChiComs. Shortly upon his arrival at Guantanamo, he announces his campaign for president of the "unlawfully detained resistance," but is beaten handily by Khalid Sheik Mohammed and his running mate, Jim Acosta.
  • Trump negotiates another historic deal—a prisoner swap with the Chinese government under which all Uyghur Muslims are freed, and the treasonous Guantanamo detainees are shipped to reeducation camps in Xinjiang. The ChiComs are forced to construct a new facility to house former journalists suffering from social media withdrawal. Acosta finally gets his own show on Chinese state television.
  • Hillary Clinton remains at large following the murder of Ghislaine Maxwell.