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2013 Man of the Year: Biff Diddle

Biff Diddle
Biff Diddle
• December 26, 2013 10:00 am

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KAGA-BANDORO, Central African Republic – In the course of human events, mankind is periodically compelled to survey its ranks in search of great men who, through their God-given genius and relentless work ethic, have changed history for the better. We honor these heroes with trophies, medals, and accolades like "Man of the Year."

However, for the truly great, for those who routinely assert their superiority over the common man, these moments are often bittersweet. There are times when the humble sensibilities of Elite Men, such as our selfless aversion to braggadocio, prevent us from seizing a title or a beautiful woman that is rightfully ours.

This is not one of those times.

I proudly accept the nomination of Biff Diddle for Washington Free Beacon "Man of the Year." Diddle’s devotion to the cause of human freedom and mercantilist economics is nothing short of legendary. This year’s contributions are too many to recount in this space, but his résumé is written on the face of every child he has saved from slaughter, every enemy of freedom he has crushed, every woman he has loved.

Diddle’s upright bass skills have progressed considerably since increasing his practice regimen from three times a week to as many as five times a day. His recently concluded slam poetry tour of D.C.-area soup kitchens was favorably reviewed in dozens of community newsletters. And after the Bowie knife incident, his neighbors no longer complain about the noise.

Diddle has been using an online dating website for almost three months now. His page views are through the roof. He has enjoyed getting to know the women of our nation’s capital. They have welcomed him into their hearts, minds, and yoga studios. Sadly, "true love" continues to evade his grasp, but Diddle takes comfort in knowing it’s the journey, not the destination, that really counts.

Diddle took on the Beltway mythologists who insist that Ronald Reagan and Ted Cruz are paragons of conservatism. As Free Beacon ombudsman, he exposed known jihadi apologist Adam Kredo for his softball reporting on Iran, and held the leftist ambitions of "Hollywood" Sonny Bunch in check.

Diddle rose five spots on Hezbollah’s list of Most Wanted Infidels, second only to Shane Battier. And despite the Obama administration’s tireless efforts to stop him, his rogue mission to hunt down and execute the Benghazi terrorists is a go.

Diddle has also become a more versatile karaoke performer since expanding his core repertoire of Eagles classics. The staff at Brass Monkey in Adams Morgan has been very supportive. Diddle’s friends and colleagues, meanwhile, could not be happier for him. This could not have happened to a better man.

Published under: Humor, Men of the Year, Parody