Trigger warning: The following contains graphic language that may be disturbing to readers who don't hate America.
What happened? Josh Riley, a Democrat running for Congress in New York, published a vehemently anti-American op-ed while attending the College of William & Mary in August 2002.
Who's Josh Riley? He's a liberal nerd and lawyer who previously worked for Al Franken, the disgraced former U.S. senator of Minnesota, and Boies Schiller Flexner, the law firm best known for defending Hollywood rapist Harvey Weinstein.
Riley is running against Rep. Marc Molinaro (R., N.Y.) in the state's 19th Congressional District. It's a rematch of the 2022 race that Molinaro narrowly won by less than 2 percentage points.
What did the op-ed say? Published in the Press & Sun-Bulletin of Binghamton, N.Y., Riley's 731-word abomination urged Americans in borderline treasonous fashion to "abandon baseball and indulge in a new pastime."
That's not very American. No, it's not. And you know what else?
What? New York's 19th Congressional District borders Cooperstown, site of the National Baseball Hall of Fame.
Why would he write something like that? Probably because he hates America. Why else?
What was his argument, exactly? Riley explained (correctly) that unionization had corrupted Major League Baseball, which at the time of publication was in the midst of an ugly negotiation over a collective bargaining agreement. Greedy unions and rampant steroid use were among the reasons "baseball is no longer the embodiment of American virtue," Riley wrote.
What "new pastime" did he suggest Americans adopt? I really don't want to say. It's too upsetting. Do you really want to know?
Yes, I do. How bad could it be? Believe me, it's bad.
Just tell me. Fine. Riley suggested that "professional soccer may be the best new candidate to provide therapeutic diversion."
What? Are you f—ing kidding me? Okay, calm down.
F— me! Soccer as America's pastime? I know, it's egregious. I tried to warn you. He wrote that soccer should replace baseball as "the premier national sport" in America.
Jesus. Was he joking? I'm afraid not.
What else did he say? Riley praised soccer as "a sport with great potential" in the United States and touted its popularity in lesser nations around the world. He argued it was "laughable" to suggest soccer is "too slow" because baseball isn't exactly fast-paced either. He neglected to mention that no professional baseball game has ever ended in a 0-0 tie.
This is really disgusting stuff. I know. Americans should like it because the rest of the world does. Who cares? If soccer was a legitimate sport, America would have the best team.
Exactly. And women's soccer doesn't count. Obviously.
What else? He said another reason to like soccer is that "the basic rules ... are easy to understand."
Not really. I know, right? What is offside? Just kick the damn ball in the goal.
Seriously, and I've never understood the rule that lets one team get a free kick every time their player pretends to be horribly injured and cries like a little bitch. Agreed, it's total nonsense.
And fundamentally anti-American. No argument there.
Is that all? Pretty much. Riley goes on to suggest that, compared with baseball, soccer is a purer sport uncorrupted by greed.
Um, what? I know. International soccer is one of the most corrupt enterprises ever devised by the human race. The last two World Cups were hosted by Russia and Qatar, for crying out loud.
Liking soccer is almost as bad as supporting terrorism. For sure. It might even be a little bit worse, to be honest.
That was very upsetting, but thanks for letting me know. Anytime!
I really hope Josh Riley loses in 2024. You and everyone who loves this great country.