OPINION: Kate Upton Might Not Be Perfect

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May 1, 2017

EDITORS' NOTE: This column by the disgraced former journalist Andrew Stiles originally appeared in the May 2017 issue of War Fancy magazine, the Free Beacon’s monthly print publication and the official magazine of the Backyard Axe Throwing League. Over the weekend, hundreds of subscribers wrote letters, sent emails, and posted on social media to express their rage in response to the columnist’s views. Many threatened to cancel their subscriptions, which is somewhat odd since the Free Beacon is, well, free. Staff writer Brent Scher threatened to resign. Free Beacon ombudsman Biff Diddle reported (by proxy) that his voicemail inbox was "more repugnant than the Port-a-Pots at Taco Fest" and "gave me flashbacks to Grenada." We have decided to republish the column here in furtherance of our ironclad commitment to free speech and unrestrained preemptive warfare in the battle for truth and enlightenment.

Particularly during this turbulent and searching time in America and around the world, we should have the humility to recognize we may not be right about everything and the courage to test our own assumptions and arguments. In the Editor’s Blog of the Free Beacon, and in the HUMINT section of War Fancy, we believe the best way to do that, and to serve you, is to foster collegial debate among brave, honest journalists (and readers) with very different points of view.

Upton Funk: The Kate Crusader & The Long March to Bountiful Certitude

By Andrew Stiles (War Fancy, May 2017)

'Cause we lost it all
Nothin' lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Simple Plan

Most experts thought Hillary Clinton would be the first female president of the United States. That was then. This year, she probably won’t even be the highest paid female on the corporate speaking circuit. How did this happen?

Let us consult the evidence. Hillary Clinton was a bad candidate who ran a bad campaign against Donald J. Trump, a purebred Alpha Dog with billions. It seems so obvious in retrospect, but did you know that many Americans, including a number of social media users, thought Hillary was a "perfect" candidate?

"Hillary is #Perfect love her!" tweeted @BitterTweetKtyn on October 20, 2016. Days earlier, another tweeter, @Angelambchops, wrote: "YAS @HillaryClinton!!!!!!! YAS! Perfect response to Trump's Islamaphobia! #queen #imwithher."

At least one social media user, @jaywelsh1993, continues to believe in Hillary’s perfection. "I'm actually in love with Hillary Clinton, she's just perfect," he tweeted in March.

There’s a lesson here. Simply believing an individual is perfect, and saying it over and over again, does not make it true. Even when a clear consensus emerges, that consensus can be wrong.

With me so far? Good. Let’s turn to Kate Upton.

In March 2015, Free Beacon staff writer Brent Scher published a critique of the New York Post’s reporting on Upton, an indisputably gorgeous fashion icon, swimsuit model, and all-around fabulous human being.

"The New York Post is Wrong, Kate Upton is Perfect," Scher's headline thundered in a furious baritone. The Post’s suggestion that Upton’s ego was "ruining her career" was preposterous, he argued, before going on to make a series of assertions and appeals to scientific authority:

  • "Kate Upton is just as perfect as ever and is doing great."
  • "There are millions of movies that would be perfect for Upton."
  • "Any pool without Upton in it is a waste of a pool."
  • "Unlike most flawless 22-year-olds, Upton is also fully trained for zero-g and looks perfect in space."

Sound familiar? An exhaustive review of the Free Beacon archives suggests an overwhelming consensus among staff members on the subject of Kate Upton. Executive Editor Sonny Bunch, for example, praised the buxom celeb as "the perfect presidential candidate" in September 2016. Social media expert Andrew Kugle proclaimed Upton an "American hero" and "America's sweetheart" without bothering to support his claims with crucial data and context. Former Free Beacon reporter and bearded man Lachlan Markay described Upton as "a symbol of freedom and American exceptionalism." Indeed, Mr. Scher has authored a sociopath's manifesto's worth of obsessive Upton-themed ramblings, including "Kate Upton Loves Puppies," and "Kate Upton Goes to Pittsburgh Market."

I had to dig all the way back to August 2014 to find anything resembling a skeptical Kate Upton take courtesy of Robert Charette, the renowned cultural analyst who appears to have been fired less than a month after writing, "Why Genevieve Morton’s Ice Bucket Challenge Is Better Than Kate Upton’s." Interestingly, it was Robert Charette who covered the results of a 2013 Free Beacon poll that found most New Hampshire voters would rather hang out with Hillary Clinton than with Kate Upton.

Those numbers don't lie. Perhaps the Free Beacon might consider employing the services of a diligent ombudsman to investigate whether its writers are dangerously out of touch with the American public?

I’ve taken the epigraph for this column from "Perfect," the hit single off French-Canadian emo band Simple Plan's debut studio album, No Pads, No Helmets...Just Balls (2002). The vast majority of musical experts at the time hailed NPNHJB as the "perfect" debut album, pun intended. They turned out to be right, but sometimes the experts are wrong. Just ask President Hillary Clinton. Ergo, we should at least consider the possibility that Kate Upton is not a perfect bombshell. That is my opinion.

Published under: Kate Upton , Parody