Latte Liberals, Literally

APPLY NOW: The fancy D.C. private school where Obama sends his kids is hiring a barista

October 2, 2014

Remember those early mornings back in high school, waiting in the limo line, craving an organic vanilla apricot soy latte from your favorite artisanal coffeesmith, and thinking about how great it was to be a member of America’s upper crust? Those were the days.

Sidwell Friends, the elite D.C. private school where the Obamas send their kids, is hiring a barista to "prepare smoothies and espresso drinks" for children who are too rich to fail. The position, which pays $125,000 a year*, could be a great opportunity for a young person suffering under the failed Obama economy. Realistically, it will probably go to a former student who recently moved back in with his political consultant parents to pursue his dream of writing a Catcher in the Rye for the digital age.

Candidates must possess excellent customer service skills and be able to lift at least 35 pounds. No relevant experience required, according to the job listing, but who honestly believes that? As if the Sidwell Friends parents and staff would consider anyone who can’t lovingly craft a perfect cappuccino foam dome—fluffy as a bunny tail—in under six seconds flat. The latte liberals of the D.C. elite would never settle for someone who has no relevant experience when it comes to making their coffee. Running the country, on the other hand…

Speaking of President Obama, the commander-in-chief’s commitment to the cult of latte liberalism is well known. He can't even be bothered to put down his Nicotine Spice Macchiato to properly salute a Marine. Is this the sort of disrespectful behavior being taught at Sidwell Friends?

*No, not really. It actually pays "up to $11.50 an hour," which is only slightly higher than what Obama considers a "minimum" acceptable wage. However, six-figures doesn't seem that unreasonable when you consider that tuition is about $35,000 a year. For context, that's roughly equal to the median household income in Mississippi.

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Correction: Sidwell Friends is a fancy private day school for rich kids, not a fancy boarding school for rich kids.