Breaking Exclusive: Free Beacon Plans Global Expansion

Freedom ain't free (flickr)
February 19, 2014

The Washington Free Beacon is taking its anti-Clinton, freedom-loving agenda global, the Free Beacon editors have exclusively learned.*

The multi-year campaign to establish outposts for combat journalists around the world and beyond comes at a time when anti-freedom advocates—in Moscow, Kiev, Damascus, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and elsewhere—are increasingly emboldened, and when other relatively obscure ultraconservative news outlets are planning global media ventures.

The Free Beacon has reportedly tapped mercenary ombudsman Biff Diddle (whereabouts unknown) to oversee the expansion. Diddle has vowed, per an anonymous intermediary, to create a "legit empire" of neoconservative Thought Leaders.

"If the enemies of freedom aren’t cowering in a ditch somewhere, they should be. Tell them I said that," he said.

Other celebrities rumored to be involved include former Representative Joe Walsh, former presidential candidate and federal inmate Keith Judd, and NFL defensive end Greg Hardy, aka "The Kraken."

The expansion is being financed with gold bullion reserves held in various offshore accounts under the joint control of the Neocon High Command and imprisoned former Taiwanese president Chen Shui-bian.

"Free Beacon Taipei" will be among the first satellite branches to launch in March 2014, working closely with the "Free Beacon Senkaku Islands" branch, operating in contested waters from the confines of a refurbished Japanese destroyer.

"Free Beacon Greater Israel" will be a joint venture with SodaStream and the U.S. Navy’s Carrier Strike Group Ten, currently operating in the North Arabian Sea. It will include branches in Amman, Beirut, Baghdad, Cairo, Haifa, Tel Aviv, as well as the settlement communities of Givat Zeev and Ma’aleh Adumim.

Though not yet confirmed, another multinational entity is rumored to be in the works, scheduled for launch in 2015. Tentatively titled "Free Beacon Black Gold," the website will focus exclusively on positive coverage of the oil and gas industry, with locations in Lagos, Dubai, the Gulf of Mexico, and Williston, North Dakota. Corporate sponsors may include Haliburton, Royal Dutch Shell, and Koch Oil.

But that’s not all. "Free Beacon Heartland" is scheduled to be up and running in late July, and will operate out of the Federal Transfer Center in Oklahoma City, pending Mr. Judd’s release in October 2014. The site's mission: make sure the voice of Real America is heard over the dull roar of Marxism emanating from the nation’s capital.

Stay tuned for updates as we embark on this exciting new journey.

*Not really.

Published under: Humor , Parody , Satire