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Where in the World is Biff Diddle?

• February 6, 2014 12:00 pm

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The following is the redacted version of a report commissioned by the neocon high council concerning the whereabouts of Biff Diddle, the Free Beacon ombudsman/night club owner/mercenary who has been declared "missing, presumed deadly" since the publication of his Jan. 16 column. Pray for him.

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Key findings:

—On the night of 15 January several witnesses report seeing Biff Diddle "posting up" at the main bar of Diamond Cabaret & Steakhouse in Denver, a house of ill repute known for its "Healthy, Fun Adult Entertainment." Diddle’s final tab was $117.21 including gratuity. He left an additional tip of $2,400.

—Shortly after filing his column on the morning of 16 January, Diddle boarded a flight from Denver International Airport to [REDACTED]. Airport security footage appears to show Diddle buying four cartons of Lucky Strike Cigarettes at a duty-free shop and, moments later, enjoying lamb meatballs and a fifth of Seagrams at Elway’s.

—Diddle volunteered to give up his seat and take a later flight to [REDACTED] in exchange for a $75 voucher (negotiated up from $50). He then went to Tamales by LaCasita where he ordered a pitcher of Negro Modelo and a pint of beans.

—On 19 January, at approximately 2:30 p.m. EST, Diddle associate Ken Weber received the following reply from Diddle via text:

diddle text

—On 22 January, Diddle may have participated in the EuroMaidan movement in Kiev. This photo appears to show him clashing with Berkut riot police:

diddle ukraine

—Two days later Diddle posted a number of increasingly urgent messages on Twitter:

 

 

—Multiple sightings were reported of Diddle between 25 January and 27 January. An Iraqi goat merchant claims to have seen a man resembling Diddle loading mortar shells onto a truck outside Fallujah.

The goat-herder’s account supports the testimony of a number of Diddle’s colleagues, who recall his "fury of rage" when he learned Fallujah had been recaptured by terrorists earlier this year. Diddle insisted al Qaeda’s victory had been abetted by the "gutless journalism" of Washington Free Beacon reporter Adam Kredo, who received the following text on 4 January:

 

kredo text
—On 28 January, Diddle may have attempted to watch President Obama’s State of the Union address from an unknown location in Sochi, Russia, site of the 2014 Winter Olympics. Diddle tweeted the following several hours before the speech:

 

—On 30 January, Diddle "liked" the following photo on Ken Weber’s Facebook page:

benghazi

—On 1 February, [REDACTED], a senior executive at Random House Publishing, received an email from an encrypted account with the subject line: "do u ever wonder…" Attached to the email was an encrypted document titled "DRAFT MANUSCRIPT – DIDDLE ME THIS MEMOIR."

—On 3 February, Diddle made Valentine’s Day reservations for two at the Hard Rock Cafe in Nabq, Egypt. The phone number he used to confirm his reservation has since been disconnected.

—On 4 February, lead investigator [REDACTED] [REDACTED] discovered the following note taped to his [REDACTED].

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Published under: Humor, Satire