Biden Veepstakes: The Compelling Case for Chris Dodd

July 31, 2020

Former senator and "waitress sandwich" enthusiast Chris Dodd was given an impossible task when he was named co-chair of Joe Biden's running mate selection committee. Biden had already limited his options by promising to choose an individual with a cervix, and public pressure to select a female-identifying BIPOC has further narrowed the field of possible candidates.

Dodd and his fellow committee members are left with the unenviable choice between a cop (Kamala Harris), a Fidel Castro acolyte (Karen Bass), and a Netflix board member who once told Paul Simon he was problematic for recording Graceland in South Africa (Susan Rice). None of these options seem like appealing candidates to complement Joe Biden, the Lion of Delaware and America's foremost commuter.

Harris claims to oppose truancy, but has shown little to no interest in the arrest and detention of notorious celebrity scofflaw Greta Thunberg. Bass was a Cuban Revolutionary; her first name is an offensive slur. Rice, meanwhile, has a controversial record that is sure to alienate both conservatives (mishandling the attack on the Benghazi consulate) and liberals (supporting Israel's right to exist).

The time for deliberation has come to an end. Now is the time for drastic measures and bold decisions of the kind that will be required of the next commander in chief. Now is the time for Chris Dodd to sack up and recommend himself as the most qualified candidate to serve as vice president.

Sure, Biden "promised" to choose a "woman." But Biden is also a lifelong professional politician who knows the rules of the game. According to scientific data, every single presidential candidate who chose a female running mate suffered defeat on Election Day. By contrast, the last time a VP selection committee chair (Dick Cheney) chose himself as the running mate, the result was eight years of unprecedented prosperity and American military dominance.

Sure, Dodd is "problematic" and might be considered a "sexual deviant" by contemporary standards. But what exactly, are the woke libs going to do about it, huh? Who are they going to vote for? Trump? Kanye? Robin DiAngelo, Ph.D.? They missed their chance to put a woke woman of color, such as Elizabeth Warren, at the top of the ticket. Democratic voters spoke loud and clear: Old is bold. White is right.

That's why Dodd should get the nod.

Given his precarious cognitive state, Biden needs a running mate who will make him feel comfortable—an old friend, a fellow boomer, a like-minded serial groper. What he doesn't need is a running mate whose hair he will be constantly tempted to smell and whose shoulders will cry out to be rubbed.

Chris Dodd won't just bring out the best in Biden. He'll bring out the best in America. From the wealthy mortgage broker to the working cocktail waitress, Dodd is a voice for the voiceless. He has the experience. He has the charisma. Now he just needs to find the guts to make the right decision.

Man up, senator. Be a Cheney.