VP DEBATE: Mike Pence Steals the Show In Flawless Black Oxfords, Kamala Harris Disappoints in Heels

October 7, 2020

Mike Pence won the vice presidential debate on Wednesday before the fake news moderator could ask a single question. Donald J. Trump's second-in-command "slayed," in the parlance of our time, by donning an immaculate pair of black oxfords on the debate stage. Biden's historic female running mate, Kamala Harris, failed to impress fashion experts with her lifeless pointed toe pumps.

Far more was expected of Harris, who has been the subject of sexist media coverage focusing on her choice of footwear. The Democrat was widely praised, for example, after walking the streets in a trendy pair of Chuck Taylor All-Stars. Harris wooed professional journalists a second time by descending from a private jet, and touring scorched ruins in California, in a "lit" pair of Timberland boots, sometimes referred to as "Timbs."

Harris's decision to go the conservative route by forgoing a "memeable" footwear at the debate would not have been a catastrophic mistake if Pence hadn't been prepared to take advantage. The sheen of his black oxford dress shoes, a popular choice among successful businessmen and hipster entrepreneurs alike, burst off the screen and into the living rooms of patriotic Americans who want a vice president who isn't afraid to go bold. Pence delivered the full package of goods in a crisp suit and vibrant red tie, and by using his superior logic to win the debate.

"You’re entitled to your opinion, but not your own facts," Pence told Harris, epically. President Trump, if he was watching, must have been impressed with his partner's forceful yet cerebral demeanor, not to mention his impeccable fashion sense. Congrats, Mr. Vice President!

ADDENDUM: Mike Pence won the debate on Wednesday, but Kamala Harris wasn't the only loser. Oliver Darcy, a confirmed cat owner, struggled to perform his duties as CNN media intern.