Satire

CULTURE WARRIOR: Trump Guides GOP to First Ever Victory in Battle for Celebrity Endorsements

The Democratic Party has for decades enjoyed a near monopoly when it comes to celebrity endorsements. Ever since Bill Clinton, the historic sex hound, played saxophone on the Arsenio Hall Show in 1992, the Democrats have endeavored to build a reputation as the "cool" political party beloved by cultural icons.

That effort reached its apex in 2008, when celebrity memoirist Barack Obama won the Democratic nomination for president after receiving numerous endorsements from his fellow celebs. A lot has changed since then. The 2020 election, for example, is the first in modern history where the Republican presidential candidate has won the battle for celebrity endorsements.

President Donald J. Trump, a celebrity in his own right, has accumulated an impressive roster of celeb supporters that by every reasonable standard—talent, popularity, vibe, diversity, and so on—is unquestionably superior to the familiar collection of washed-up "celebs" endorsing his opponent, former vice president Joe Biden. Consider the evidence and see for yourself:

Top 10 Celebs Endorsing Trump

10. Dana White (UFC President) 

9. Roseanne Barr (America's Sweetheart) 

8. The Quaid Bros (Iconic Duo)

7. Tekashi 6ix9ine (Snitch) 

6. Bobby Orr (Hockey Legend) 

5. John Daly (Frat Star)

4. Kid Rock (Musical Genius) 

3. Jack Nicklaus (G.O.A.T.)

2. Brett Favre (Hall of Fame Quarterback, Cell Phone User)

1. Lil Wayne (Hip Hop Legend, Cultural Icon) 

Top 10 Celebs Endorsing Biden

10. Alan Alda (Octogenarian) 

 

9. George Takei (Nerd)

8. Max Boot (Bald Pundit) 

7.  Melissa Etheridge (Folk Singer)

6. Anna Wintour (Journalist)

5. Barbra Streisand (Homeowner) 

4. Lena Dunham (Feminist) 

3. Hillary Clinton (Public Speaker)

2. Cher (Diva) 

1. Jimmy Buffett (American Icon)