The Official Guide To Surviving Thanksgiving With Your Insufferably Woke Relatives

November 24, 2021

It's that time of year again, folks. Hardworking everyday Americans are under assault. The woke libs, the ChiComs, and their journalist allies are colluding to befoul your Thanksgiving holiday with anti-freedom talking points and other extremist propaganda. I'm here to help you make sure that doesn't happen. Give them an inch, and they'll take our guns, our trucks, our Truck Nutz™, and everything else we hold dear.

The first step to surviving Thanksgiving with your obnoxious libtard relatives is knowing thy enemy. We must familiarize ourselves with the perverted "woke" terminology they learned while studying for their worthless degree in climate justice studies. It's technically English, but will sound like a bunch of gibberish to the untrained ear. Please acquaint yourselves with the following words and phrases:

1619 Project — A work of racism-themed historical fan-fiction published in the New York Times. It has been criticized by prominent historians, including one who was hired by the Times to fact-check the project, but whose concerns were ultimately ignored.

"Anthony Huber and Joseph Rosenbaum are heroes" — Roughly translated: "I am very angry about the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict, despite knowing essentially nothing about the actual facts of the case. I just know that Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted after fatally shooting Joseph Rosenbaum and Anthony Huber in self-defense. I am unaware that Huber—who might have been black [he wasn't], I'm not sure—was chasing Rittenhouse and hit him with a skateboard, or that he was convicted of domestic abuse, or that he served time in prison for choking his own brother. I am similarly unaware that Rosenbaum was a registered sex offender who served 14 years in prison for child molestation. Again, I don't really know anything about the case beyond a general sense that I should be angry about it because of racism, so I am."

Adulting — Word used by millennials to congratulate themselves for doing a basic task, e.g., washing their sheets, going to the dentist, or paying their own cell phone bill.

Brian Stelter — Potato-shaped man and professional Fox News watcher for CNN, a Democratic-aligned news network.

"Critical Race Theory isn't taught in schools!" — Roughly translated: "I don't have kids, and would never send them to public school, but reliable pundits have assured me this is just a right-wing talking point. Even if it was being taught in schools, would that be so bad?"

"Do the work!" — Roughly translated: "I am outraged. After posting a black square on my Instagram account, I purchased a copy of Robin DiAngelo's White Fragility. I haven't actually gotten around to reading it, and I don't know enough to explain why what you just said is racist, but it was. You need to educate yourself by reading works of antiracist literature, such as White Fragility."

Football — Soccer.

Greta Thunberg — Former child celebrity and professional truant who screams about so-called climate change.

Imposter Syndrome — Similar to "adulting," a made-up disorder used to describe how millennials feel upon confronting the real world, perhaps for the first time in their entire lives.

Latinx — (lə-ˈtē-ˌneks) This made-up word is often used in conversations between college-educated white people to signal their profound commitment to inclusive dialogue. It refers to people of Latin American heritage, the vast majority of whom have never heard of it.

LeBron James — Overrated professional basketball player who simps for China.

Literally — Figuratively.

Mansplain — A form of ad hominem attack, this term is frequently invoked when a man has just corrected or is in the process of correcting a woman who has just said something wrong or ill-informed.

Person With A Penis Affected By The Justice System — A male felon, e.g., Darrell Edward Brooks Jr. or Michael Avenatti.

"Stop complaining about gas prices" — "I don't own a car."

TikTok — Chinese spyware.

WNBA — Professional basketball league for women.

"When I lived in Spain..." — "When I spent almost three weeks in Madrid on a study abroad program."

Whiteness — Imaginary disease afflicting people of all races who disagree with journalists and other liberal activists. For example: Sen. Tim Scott (R., S.C.) and Lt. Gov. Winsome Sears (R., Va.).

"Yes, Pete Buttigieg and Kamala Harris are perfectly likable." — "Please help me find meaning in my life."

Zionist — Blanket term used to describe opponents of anti-Semitism.