Satire

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Trump completes historically successful presidency four years ahead of schedule

Art by Gary Locke
Art by Gary Locke

It's official. Joe Biden will make history as the oldest American to win a presidential election. The Associated Press called the race for Biden on Saturday. He will turn 78 later this month.

Biden may have "won" the election, in the sense that he got the most "votes," but President Donald J. Trump is the real MVP of 2020. He exceeded expectations, avoided a landslide, and cemented his position as the frontrunner to win the GOP nomination in 2024. More importantly, he simply did not require another term in office to achieve his goal of becoming a historically successful leader.

Trump has secured his place alongside America's greatest leaders—arguably the best since Abraham Lincoln—by achieving a level of success few thought possible, and even fewer could comprehend. Impressively, he did so in just four years—three if you account for the time lost due to the China Plague. For comparison, his failed predecessor Barack Obama couldn't even finish his stupid memoir in the same amount of time.

Trump's accomplishments in office—so far; he still has almost three months left to cement his legacy—are too numerous to recount in these pages. The president slashed taxes with a ruthlessness often reserved for the battlefield, where he also excelled at disintegrating terrorists. If we are to judge him by the enemies he accumulated over the course of his presidency, and his ability to inject pure anguish into their hearts, Trump should go down in history as one of the most successful leaders of all time.

Some critics will inevitably protest: "He accomplished nothing! All he did was own the libs!" Of course the critics would say that. They're libs. They're not really mad at Trump—they're mad at themselves for allowing him to own them so powerfully, over and over and over again. They're also sorely mistaken, as usual. Last we checked, owning the libs still counts as an accomplishment. Even if that was all Trump managed to achieve as president, it would be more than sufficient to classify him as a historic success in the field of leadership. "He owned the libs, who had it coming," is a fitting epitaph for the Trump era, and a commendable one at that.

In a way, Biden's victory is the ultimate actualization of lib ownership. His former boss, Barack Obama, had urged him not to run in 2020. In fact, he'd urged Biden not to run in 2016 in order to clear the deck for Hillary Clinton, whose unique deficiencies as a politician and human being, namely her unprecedented ability to inspire apathy and disgust in the hearts of voters, helped ensure that Trump would be elected and that the libs would be owned. Biden, on the other hand, probably would have won. Thanks, Obama.

It would be presumptuous, at this point in time, to argue that Donald Trump should immediately be added to the roster of American heroes who appear on Mount Rushmore. At some point, however, the proposition deserves a public hearing. If we're going to add another face on the monument, few Americans would disagree that Trump should be first in line to receive the honor.

That's a conversation for another time. For now, the American people should reflect on how the last four years have changed their lives for the better and enjoy the remaining months of the Trump presidency while they still can. This moment belongs to Trump. It belongs to all of us. Some day, perhaps sooner rather then later, we'll look back on this time and marvel at how fortunate we were to have been blessed with such a remarkable president. Godspeed, Donald!