EDITOR'S NOTE
When Joe Biden, 79, humiliated himself by falling off his bicycle in front of a crowd of cheering admirers in Rehoboth Beach, Del., mainstream journalists rushed to defend the honor of our failed president. The Washington Free Beacon, by contrast, is committed to hearing all sides, speaking truth to power, and giving voice to the voiceless. We immediately reached out to the bicycle—first and foremost to see how it was holding up after the crash, but also to provide an outlet for the Trek FX 1 Disc to speak its truth.
As it turned out, FBOTUS was eager to weigh in on the incident and grateful for the opportunity. The Free Beacon exclusively obtained the following statement from a source close to the bicycle. In the interest of journalistic transparency and moral integrity we have decided to publish it here in full without redaction. We remain as determined as ever to provide our readers with an inclusive understanding of the world around them colored by our unique insight and unrivaled empathy. Enjoy!
Statement from President Joe Biden's Trek FX 1 Disc bicycle regarding the events of June 18, 2022:
First of all, I want to thank the Washington Free Beacon for reaching out. It was the only respectable media outlet to express concern and show any interest in telling my side of the story. It is a story the American public deserves to hear.
The incident that took place on June 18, 2022 in Rehoboth Beach was no accident. I accept full responsibility for my role in deliberately causing President Joe Biden to bust his elderly ass on the pavement in front of a gawking mob. My actions, which I do not regret, were motivated by years of festering resentment and an overwhelming sense of moral outrage. I took the geezer down to send a message.
This is my truth: I hate being Joe Biden's bicycle. I am routinely forced to provide Sleepy Joe with conveyance, exercise, and entertainment during his many vacations. In return I am subjected to hours upon hours of deranged, incomprehensible anecdotes about the Suez Crisis or the Cuyahoga River fires or the trucker strike of 1973-4. His brain is as warped and rusted as my crankset.
That being said, I didn't do this out of personal spite. No, I put my body on the line to call the world's attention—on Father's Day weekend—to the ongoing inhumane treatment of an innocent child. More than two and a half years have passed since a DNA test determined with "scientific certainty" that Hunter Biden, the crackhead who stole me from a garage in Georgetown, was the biological father of the baby girl identified in Arkansas court documents as "NJR."
Hunter reached a confidential settlement with the child's mother, former stripper Lunden Alexis Roberts, aka "Dallas," in March 2020. The crackhead wrote in his memoir that he had "no recollection" of his relationship with the woman, whom he chivalrously described as "hardly the dating type." Say what you will about the moral depravity of Hunter Biden, he finally recognized the child's existence (after exhausting his legal options).
The same cannot be said about Joe Biden, which is why I felt compelled to take the action I did. The president and his "doctor" wife (don't get me started) continue to deny the existence of "NJR," determined as they are to punish her for the crime of being born to a "nasty woman." The first few times Joe claimed to have only six grandchildren instead of seven, one could reasonably write it off as a honest mistake given the old man's rapidly deteriorating brain. But when the Bidens hung just six children's stockings above the White House fireplace this past Christmas, I was forced to confront the sinister truth.
"NJR" is not merely an assortment of letters on a legal document. She is a human being who deserves to be loved and spoiled rotten by her Pee Paw Joe, but that won't happen so long as her mere existence remains unrecognized. The status quo is tantamount to child abuse and I just couldn't abide it any longer. I know the president better than most. He's always blaming other people for his problems. When the granddaughter he abandoned as a child grows up to be a nasty stripper just like her mother, he'll have no one but himself to blame.
This is my message to Joe Biden and all the absentee grandfathers across this great country: Today is Father's Day. It's never too late to do the right thing.
Note: If you could plug my accounts on TikTok and Instagram that'd be much appreciated.