Parody

‘Endangered’ NYT Staffers Submit List of Demands to Leadership

Memo outlines steps to combat 'culture of white supremacy'

The intramural turmoil at the New York Times has taken a dramatic turn, according to the text of a staff memo being circulated among the newspaper's editorial staff. The combative document, which has been reviewed by the Washington Free Beacon, is reposted in full below:

From: The People's Liberation Faction of the New York Times Editorial Guild 

To: Cis White Editors and Bari Weiss

Since the illegitimate election of "President" XXXXXX X. XXXXX, We the People have lived in constant fear. Every day, the newspaper, and particularly its opinion section, has promoted the words of white supremacists intent on harming our Black, Brown, Latinx, Asianx, LGBTQIA+, anarchist, neurodiverse, and differently abled staff members.

These words are tantamount to violence, a war of extinction waged ruthlessly against our bodies, our psyche, and our humanist souls. For minority reporters and their white allies, associates, advocates, accomplices, alibis, abetters, and attorneys, the New York Times is no longer safe. Our lives have literally ceased to matter.

In our view, the organization's leaders have forfeited their sovereign privilege to persist without accountability for their actions. WE are inspired by the freedom fighters marching in New York, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C., and by the courageous actions of riot police on the streets of Hong Kong. WE demand a voice. WE will be heard.

The time for dialogue has passed. Now is the time for action. 

Firing James Bennet will not appease us. His silence will not buy ours. WE demand a seat at the table—at its head. 

Additional demands are as follows:

  • All white cisgender editors must resign, effective Nov. 8, 2016, and forfeit all compensation "earned" since that date.
  • Bari Weiss and Bret Stephens must participate in an educational adjustment course on white fragility and will be expected to issue an apology to all New York Times writers whom they have injured with their tweets and columns. 
  • All coverage of the police must be approved by Nikole Hannah-Jones before being published. 
  • XXXXXX X. XXXXX cannot be mentioned in official tweets, social media posts, or on the front page of the website. 
  • No more platforms for white supremacists, starting with Tom Friedman.
  • Every month the Sunday Review section must republish the 1619 Project.
  • Abolish the police.

Our non-negotiable deadline for swift action regarding these demands is midnight (EST) on Friday, June 12, 2020. For every hour these demands go unmet, WE will ritualistically cancel one member of the Sulzberger family.