(Editor's note: In the interest of gender equality and inclusion, all gender-ambiguous third-person pronouns have been rendered as the feminine "she" and "her," as in "I'm with her.")
On August 10, 2019—a date which will live in infamy—deranged pervert and Democratic Party patron (excuse the redundancy) Jeffrey Epstein committed "suicide."
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It wasn't a great year for perverts. Notwithstanding the best efforts of mainstream media journalists and executives to run interference for their disgusting friends, some of society's most notorious scumbags met their demise in 2019, including a number of mainstream media journalists and executives.
Of all the disgraced scumbags, Epstein was by far the most lecherous. And, like many of the world's worst villains, Donald Trump's election was the worst thing that ever happened to him.
Nearly a decade after the billionaire pedophile was released from "jail," national media outlets and law enforcement agencies had basically lost interest in Epstein until a local newspaper—the Miami Herald—started pursuing a Trump-related angle to the controversy. (Trump's former labor secretary, Alex Acosta, was the U.S. attorney who signed off on Epstein's plea deal.)
While President Trump obviously deserves some credit for ending Epstein's reign of terror, our fearless president was not, as far as we know, responsible for ending the life of inmate 76318-054. But neither was Jeffrey Epstein.
The as-yet-unidentified individual who murdered the degenerate creep in his Manhattan jail cell managed to pull off one of the most high-profile assassinations in history without getting caught. That is why she is being honored in these pages as a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year for 2019.
We may never know the assassin's motives, or why she has declined to take credit for her massively successful hit. Perhaps it was intended to enforce that time-honored creed: "Snitches get stitches." Perhaps it was a desperate attempt to protect the reputation of a once-respected American leader, and to preserve the political ambitions of said leader's nominal spouse. Perhaps it was an act of atonement for all of the perverts she has coddled over the years. Perhaps she killed him just to watch him die.
Whatever the case may be, Jeffrey Epstein is dead, and so is Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. America is still the greatest country on earth, and there may yet come a day when journalists and media executives care more about reporting the facts than they do about obstructing justice for celebrity rapists.
When that day comes, we won't need heroes like our mystery assassin. But until it does, she is precisely the sort of hero we need.
Godspeed, whoever you are.