In every generation, there are American men willing to push the boundaries of what's possible at great risk to themselves. Think Chuck Yeager smashing the sound barrier in 1947, or Donald Trump shattering the Great Blue Wall in 2016. In 2019, we now know that bulletproof vests are capable of stopping five shots to the back thanks to Christopher Hicks, Charles Ferris, and numerous bottles of alcohol.
After going a few sheets to the wind, Ferris and Hicks decided to test the mettle of a bulletproof vest. Hicks fired one shot from a .22 into Ferris's chest, bruising his fellow experimenter. That's when things soured between the two, and Ferris, surprised by the pain, fired the rest of the clip into his buddy's back. Their whiskey-soaked thesis had been correct after all—both men suffered only bruises.
Ferris regained his composure and, no doubt to apologize to Hicks for losing his cool, invented an elaborate tale to protect Hicks from any legal trouble.
As too often happens in scientific exploration, the whole thing blew up when Mrs. Ferris got worried. She told the truth to police at the hospital. Ferris and Hicks were both arrested for their noble experiment, meeting the same fate as their forebear, Galileo. The Washington Free Beacon only hopes that this Man of the Year honor will be the first step in the duo's vindication in the eyes of history.
Published under: Man of the Year