Getting former fraternity wunderkind Brett "Keg Stand" Kavanaugh confirmed to the U.S. Supreme Court was one of President Donald Trump's most laudable achievements in 2018. It might not have happened if not for the tireless renegade lawyering of Michael Avenatti.
The hair-challenged racing enthusiast burst onto the political scene as the "creepy porn lawyer" representing adult film star and former Trump mistress Stormy Daniels, and quickly earned a reputation as a street fighter who never backed down from a challenge, or an invitation to appear on television.
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Avenatti's pugnacious Tweets, peppered with spurious allegations and his signature #Basta hashtag, convinced many that he was ideally suited to challenge Trump in 2020, because in Avenatti's own words: "Only a street fighter has a chance at displacing the ‘King.'"
His chiseled facade and bad-boy persona earned him the nickname "Hottie Avenatti," and moistened the undergarments of Democratic voters pining for a presidential candidate who makes them "horny." He was instantly considered a frontrunner to win the nomination. "I wouldn't not f*** him," one Democratic activist told VICE News.
Avenatti's political prospects have diminished significantly of late, most recently due to a domestic violence arrest and an ill-advised defamation case against the president that may end up forcing Stormy Daniels to pay Trump's $300,000 legal bill. (The porn star says she never even asked Avenatti to file the suit.)
The lawyer's conduct during the Kavanaugh confirmation process certainly didn't help his cause. When the judge's confirmation appeared in peril due to the testimony of Christine Blasey Ford, the litigious hunk could not contain his lust for attention, and brought forth a series of outlandish, unsubstantiated sexual allegations from dubious accusers, eventually getting himself and his "clients" referred to the Justice Department for making false claims in sworn statements. With the waters sufficiently muddied by Avenatti's hysterical drivel, "Keg Stand" stood tall, and claimed his seat on the high court. Trump's stellar judicial legacy remained intact.
Avenatti's shenanigans drew condemnation from Democrats, including potential 2020 candidates such as Bob O'Rourke and Eric Holder. But a grateful nation thanks you, Mr. Avenatti, for your selfless contributions to the cause of right-wing jurisprudence, and offers its best wishes as you navigate the many legal challenges ahead. For helping ensure Brett Kavanaugh's ascension to the Supreme Court, Michael Avenatti is hereby named a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year!