10 Made-Up Talking Points to Help You WIN Thanksgiving and HUMILIATE Your Idiot Granddad

November 24, 2015

One of the most traumatizing things a human being has ever had to endure is sitting at a table with family members and listening to opinions he disagrees with. Sonny Bunch has written a helpful guide for how to survive this excruciating scenario. Hopefully it never happens to you. But just in case, here are some talking points to deploy against your idiot granddad who listens to teabag talk radio.*

  1. Chemical analysts at the University of Wisconsin have concluded that the first recorded Thanksgiving meal was entirely gluten-free.
  2. For the first time in history, millennials are now contributing more in taxes than their parents' generation.
  3. According to the World Health Organization, more than 90 percent of all terrorists were vaccinated as children.  
  4. The wealthiest five U.S. corporations are worth more than the combined GDP of Africa, South America, and Australia.
  5. The most frequently used word in the Democratic primary debates is "Koran." The most frequently used word in the Republican debates is "Koranification."
  6. The average cost of a four-year college education in 2015 is greater than the average cost of an aircraft carrier in 1945, adjusted for inflation.
  7. The NYPD is responsible for more annual deaths than lung cancer.
  8. According to a recent Gallup survey, 73 percent of registered Republicans think Lena Dunham is a Muslim.
  9. Doctors Without Borders and Hezbollah were founded by the same person.
  10. The first world leader to use the phrase "carbon footprint" in an official address was Winston Churchill in 1942.

*May require fact-checking because I just made them up.