Culture

How to DESTROY Your Crazy Relatives Who Think Bad Thoughts at Thanksgiving

No green bean casserole? What kind of garbage Thanksgiving are these people having? (AP)

If you're the sort of person who JUST HAS TO WIN political conversations at the dinner table and feels the need to DESTROY your bigoted drunk uncle during Thanksgiving, here are some handy tips to help you get through the season!

  1. Instead of going to your family's house, stay in bed.
  2. Reconsider your life choices and think about the fact that everyone hates you because you're the sort of know-it-all prat who thinks that parroting talking points from VOX DOT COM is the same thing as understanding/mounting an argument.
  3. Drink a bottle of Jack Daniels and silently weep as you realize that you'll die alone in your 400 square foot studio apartment, surrounded by cats.
  4. Masturbate, bitterly.
  5. Get angry at your cats as you think about the fact that they'll probably eat your corpse as it starts to decompose.
  6. Wonder how long your body will sit there before it starts to smell so bad the neighbors call the cops.
  7. Tweet something snarky on your iPhone 6 about how Donald Trump is Bad but he's really no different than any other GOP candidate.
  8. Cry.
  9. Take a shower.
  10. Cry in shower.
  11. Tweet something snarky about "sportsball" when you see that the NFL is on.
  12. Pass out in a puddle of your own sadness. (Try not to choke on your vomit whilst doing so. That's how Hendrix died.)

There you go! Follow these 12 steps and everyone will have a far more entertaining Thanksgiving because your dopey, annoying self isn't at the table "ACTUALLY"ing the people who are trying to enjoy some delicious green bean casserole and turkey.