Jim Acosta Deserves His Own Show, Here Are 4 Bold Suggestions

August 7, 2018

CNN White House correspondent Jim Acosta is an American hero who puts his body on the line every day to defend our most cherished freedoms. Much like a firefighter who charges into a burning buildings to save children, Acosta protects the U.S. Constitution from the rhetorical flames of tyranny by shouting questions at public officials from the back of a crowded room.

Acosta, whose outbursts are often indistinguishable from the rantings of a Code Pink protester, is reportedly desperate to host his own show. It's about time he got his wish. We can all agree he deserves it. Here are four bold suggestions for television executives to consider immediately.

Vice News Presents: Journalist Abroad with Jim Acosta

Our hero leads a crew of ragtag hipsters into authoritarian hotspots — Moscow, Tehran, Beijing, Mogadishu — to ask tough questions and commit random acts of hard-hitting journalism, thus demonstrating the uniquely hazardous nature of being a reporter in the United States under President Trump.

Acosta will interview, or at least attempt to interview, imprisoned journalists, and trade horror stories, for example, about watching a colleague get gunned down in broad daylight, or getting called "Crooked Hillary's lover boy" by an elderly gentleman outside an Embassy Suites in Des Moines. In the Tehran episode, after failing to secure an interview with the Grand Ayatollah, the crew decides to accompany Mahmoud Ahmadinejad deep into the Alborz mountains, where they'll attend a genderqueer opium disco and dive headfirst into the secret world of Iranian juggalos.

CNN Presents: Is Wolf Blitzer Smarter Than a 5th Grader? 

Acosta's CNN colleague Wolf Blitzer can read the $#!* out of a teleprompter, but his trivia knowledge is notoriously substandard, even for a celebrity.

In this quirky spin on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, Blitzer will face off against random children and test his knowledge of subjects gleaned from middle school-level exams. As host, Acosta can flex his journalistic muscles in between rounds by interrogating the children on hot-button political issues.

The History Channel Presents: First vs. Second with Jim Acosta

In this epic clash of constitutional amendments, a team of journalists, career protesters, and ACLU interns will face off against a rival squad of gun enthusiasts, militia men, and doomsday preppers to see which team can best complete a series of challenges related to their opponents' favorite amendment. Team 2, for example, will be required to perform tasks such as delivering a live on-camera hit from a replica White House briefing room, maintaining a viable drum circle, and retweeting Ruth Marcus columns. Team 1, meanwhile, will try their hand at disassembling and reassembling an AR-15, hunting their own food, and being able to tell the difference between a  handgun and a chainsaw-mounted rocket launcher. Acosta would try to be a neutral arbiter as host, but everyone would know he's pulling for the journos, no matter how pathetic they look trying to load a .50 cal magazine without crying. Drama!

Netflix Presents: The Acosta Show

This option, inspired by The Truman Show, is by far the most ambitious in scope, as it would require an enormous cast of willing co-conspirators in order to create an alternative (fake) reality, the nature of which only Jim Acosta would be unaware. The payoff, however, would be worth it. The series would begin with in-on-the-gag CNN executives finally offering Acosta his own show on the network, and encouraging him to take part in a Netflix documentary series on "First Amendment heroes."

With film crews following his every move, Acosta will be fed a series of fake bombshell scoops from actual White House sources implicating the Trump administration in a hideous scandal. Over the course of several months, or even years, Acosta's fake show will shatter every ratings record in the history of television news, culminating in an action-packed series finale in which Acosta is awarded the Pulitzer and Nobel Peace Prizes, and also breaks the news that President Trump will resign and personally apologize to all journalists for ever describing the fake news media as enemies of the people. Acosta then will be summoned to the White House to become the ninth civilian in U.S. history to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor, at which point still-President Trump jumps out from behind a gold curtain, performs a citizens arrest on the bewildered Acosta, and sentences him to indefinite detainment at Guantanamo Bay.