Joe Biden, 80, is technically president of the United States. Most Americans agree that he's way too old for the job. Nevertheless, he persists.
We were curious to know what the man sometimes referred to as "Sleepy Joe" does in a given day, at least on those rare occasions when he's not vacationing at the beach or staying at some billionaire's mansion. So we decided to investigate.
You won't believe what we found.
Our investigators exclusively and semi-legally obtained a detailed accounting of Biden's daily activities over the past several months, and created the following composite schedule that represents an average day in the life of our president. Enjoy!
A day in the life of Sleepy Joe Biden:
10:15 a.m. — Wake up.
10:30 a.m. — Walk the dog.
10:55 a.m. — Eat breakfast. (Oatmeal slurry)
11:30 a.m. — Take a nap.
12:20 p.m. — Meet with senior staff.
1:15 p.m. — Eat lunch. (Chocolate chip ice cream)
1:45 p.m. — Free play.
3:05 p.m. — Meet with Hunter Biden and business associate.
4:25 p.m. — Scream at terrified young staffer.
4:40 p.m. — Time out.
5:05 p.m. — Escape from time out. (Get recaptured by Secret Service)
6:00 p.m. — Greet visitors at White House. Smell hair.
7:30 p.m. — Eat dinner. (President's choice)
8:15 p.m. — Bath time.
9:00 p.m. — Sweet dreams. (Don't forget CPAP machine for sleep apnea.)