Satire

The Hidden Victims of COVID-19: Dem Donors Forced to Spend $100K for ‘Virtual Dinner’ With Hillary

The coronavirus pandemic has unleashed tremendous suffering upon the people of earth. Perhaps the foremost victim of this China-caused crisis is President Donald J. Trump, who has suffered horribly at the hands of the Fake News Media and its relentless barrage of unfair questions. Many have also caught the actual virus.

Some victims are more visible than others. Media reporters such as Brian Stelter and Oliver Darcy of CNN, for example, have used public platforms to express their victimhood.

"You really take for granted the office chair, and how much it helps with posture, until you're spending hours and hours working from the dining room chair," Darcy wrote on popular social networking website Twitter.

Stelter, meanwhile, gave a speech about the time he cried himself to sleep, giving voice to fellow journalists suffering in silence, terrified at the thought of another month without brunch or of having to pretend to care about sexual assault allegations against a Democrat.

Among the hidden victims of the coronavirus pandemic are wealthy liberals who believe in all the right things. Many have been cooped up in vacation homes, unable to see their private chefs, wondering if they'll ever get another networking opportunity like their son's Harvard graduation—canceled because of coronavirus. It's not like there are any Democratic fundraisers on the horizon.

After all these rich libs have done to make the world a better place—voting for Obama, watching Saturday Night Live, and laughing at jokes about Republicans—this is the best the Democratic Party could come up with to show its appreciation: a "virtual dinner" with Hillary Clinton to raise money for the Biden Victory Fund.

Tickets to the fundraiser, which will take place on Zoom, start at $2,800. Hosts must shell out a cool $100,000 to watch Hillary Clinton eat a bowl of lentils on their laptop. Gone are the glory days of Obama fundraisers on Martha's Vineyard, watching will.i.am do slam poetry in Spike Lee's basement, meeting Ben Rhodes's Quds Force buddies, and sending daughters home before Harvey Weinstein shows up.

What a sad way to have to spend $100,000—almost as depressing as donating it to charity without getting anything in return. It might not be very fashionable to think of these wealthy liberal donors as "victims" amidst this unprecedented crisis, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. Ask yourself: How much would someone have to pay you to watch Hillary Clinton eat dinner for an hour? Exactly.

Sometimes it helps to keep things in perspective. It's bad enough that these people are having to throw away money on a candidate whose brain keeps malfunctioning, who might not even live long enough to be inaugurated. Joe Biden is the best their party could do. It was the only way they could stop Bernie Sanders from taxing their yachts.

Pour one out for these hidden victims.