Satire

SURGE BEFORE SURRENDER: Trump’s Premature Retreat from D.C. Endangers Allies in the Region

Ombudsman's Note: This opinion column was published with the express written consent of every member of the Washington Free Beacon staff. Anything less would, in our view, violate the free-speech principles on which our country was founded. It has not been fact-checked or edited for tone. 

President Donald J. Trump's poll numbers are plummeting. He has only himself to blame. If he wants to have any chance of winning reelection in November, the president must rediscover his passion for the exercise of U.S. military might.

Roughly two weeks have passed since the so-called commander in chief launched Operation American Freedom. The goal: to take back the riot-plagued streets of our nation's capitol. Thanks to a formidable coalition of Nation Guardsmen and mercenaries loyal to Roger Stone, the mission was accomplished. Now what?

As soon as the threat was neutralized, President Trump decided to cut and run. That's cowardice, not leadership, and the premature withdrawal of U.S. forces threatens to destabilize the region, threatening our allies. Trump was elected to restore America's commitment to winning. Now is not the time for surrender. Now is the time for a surge.

A recent poll from the Project for the Militant Restoration of the Last American Century (PFTMROTLAC) found that more than 40 percent of D.C. residents considered the riots "a cathartic, violent cleansing of America’s racist soul." This doesn't mean the National Guard has to occupy the entire city. The next deployment can strategically focus on suspected Antifa cells: Kalorama, Woodley Park, and Cleveland Park would be a good start. 

Though the president has the authority to take military action unilaterally, it may be advisable to seek a coalition force of military units from neighboring states—the ones with actual statehood—to protect vulnerable populations, such as D.C. residents who don't support total police abolition. They need our support, Mr. President.

Now that the nationwide protests have definitively proved that coronavirus was a hoax, many patriotic Americans would like to tour our nation's capitol this summer in support of President Trump's reelection. How are they supposed to do that in a city where they're likely to be accosted by gender-nonbinary radicals demanding an apology for their whiteness? Do their vacations matter or not? 

No one knows if there will be more riots. But we do know this: When Donald Trump sent in the troops, the riots stopped. It's time for Lil' Donny to step out of his bunker and into his Big Boy pants. The future of the republic is at stake.