Biden Threatens Political Opponents in Rambling Tirade: 'Can't Stop' Me Now

April 28, 2021

President Joe Biden on Wednesday said his political opponents "can't stop" him from "moving forward" with his controversial agenda.

During a rambling address to a mostly empty House Chamber on Capitol Hill, the president's smooth forehead glistened under the lights, a marvel of cosmetic remedy. "America is moving forward but we can't stop now," Biden barked. "Doing nothing is not an option." Two women sat behind him in historic fashion, one of them (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi) more fashionably dressed than the other (Vice President Kamala Harris, lurking like a vulture).

The president's shameful history of plagiarism reared its head again when Biden shoplifted former president Donald Trump's "Buy American" initiative and attempted to pass it off as his own. He repeated his inscrutable false claim about having traveled "more than 17,000 miles with" Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Biden thanked politicians for the fact that so many Americans have received a COVID-19 vaccination but declined to credit health care workers, much less Trump and Operation Warp Speed, launched almost one year ago today to the widespread derision of so-called science experts and unaccredited media pundits.

"Sleepy Joe" made several appearances during the speech, which included an extended explanation of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, lulling listeners to sleep with hushed tones and elongated syllables. His train of thought, meandering at times, evinced an old man forced to stay up hours past his bedtime. "Thank you for your patience," the president concluded, mercifully.

It was Fiery Joe who carried the day, however, denouncing the Jan. 6 storming of the Capitol as the "worst attack on our democracy since the Civil War," as opposed to the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, or Pearl Harbor, or the Oklahoma City bombing, or 9/11.

Biden spoke passionately about things Democratic politicians have been known to speak passionately about, such as gun control, climate change, and raising taxes. To his credit, Biden did not appear at all interested in trying to sound like the smartest person in the room, which is at least one of the reasons why he already is a more successful president than Barack Obama, and will almost certainly be remembered that way.

Alas, the president simply could not compete with the exciting diversity and youthful vigor of Sen. Tim Scott (R., S.C.), who delivered the Republican response to Biden's speech.