Predictions and Suggestions for the First GOP Primary Debate

What we expect and hope to see when the GOP candidates (minus Trump) meet in Milwaukee

August 22, 2023

What's happening: The first debate of the 2024 GOP presidential primary takes place on Wednesday night in Milwaukee. Fox News, the top-rated fair and balanced network, is hosting the contest.

What to watch for: Donald Trump. The indicted former president has decided to skip the debate, but remains the prohibitive frontrunner to win the Republican nomination. The other candidates will have to persuade voters that the outcome isn't a foregone conclusion.

Predictions: Here are a few things we expect to see at the debate.

• At least one candidate, probably Vivek Ramaswamy, will cite (or sing) "Rich Men North of Richmond," the hit song from viral sensation Oliver Anthony, and agree that "taxes ought not to pay" for fat folks' fudge rounds.

• Sen. Tim Scott (R., S.C.) will suggest that America is not the most racist country in the history of the world. This will cause liberal commentators to lose their minds, resulting in at least one semi-prominent media personality being suspended or forced to apologize for a racially charged insult.

• Several candidates will criticize Vice President Kamala Harris, prompting Washington Post columnist Jennifer Rubin to complain on the social networking website formerly known as Twitter. Her post-debate column will scold Republicans for their "racist and misogynist attacks."

• Gov. Ron DeSantis (R., Fla.) and former governor Chris Christie (R., N.J.) will get into a shouting match over which candidate has eaten the most chocolate pudding and who has eaten pudding in the most unusual fashion.

Daniel Dale will perform a breathless post-debate fact check on CNN and assert (without evidence) that "Joe Biden does not have dementia."

• Mike Pence, the former vice president, will become the first candidate in history to be collectively booed by members of the debate audience, his fellow candidates on the debate stage, as well as the debate moderators.

• Neither the candidates nor the moderators will mention the suspicious death of former president Barack Obama's personal chef, or the (possibly related?) revelations that Obama repeatedly fantasized about "making love to men." The American people deserve better.

• Trump will win the debate.

Suggestions: Here are a few things we would like to see at the debate.

• Wouldn't it be nice if all the candidates could agree on something? For example, they could begin each answer by denouncing Hillary Clinton as a force of evil whose defeat in the 2016 election was one of the best things to ever happen to this great country.

• On a related note, Aug. 10 was the fourth anniversary of notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's "suicide" in a Manhattan jail cell. The Fox News moderators should begin the debate with a "moment of silence for the truth and other victims of the Democratic sex-trafficking ring."

• We hope the candidates get creative when selecting a special guest to join them at the debate. Good options include the four-year-old granddaughter Joe Biden refused to acknowledge until recently, or the crack dealer who put a gun to Hunter Biden's head in Los Angeles. A particularly savvy debater might fill an entire row with all the children whose hair Joe Biden has sniffed without consent.