Parody

America Is Polarized. One Thing Can Still Unite Us: Rooting for Joe Kennedy to Fail

Wet-mouthed scion of depraved political dynasty must not prevail

Election Day is fast approaching and the country remains as polarized as ever. Political meaning has been grafted onto every decision we make in our daily lives. To have the wrong opinion is to commit an act of violence. Refusing to take sides is just as harmful, if not more so, than picking the bad side.

There is still, however, at least one upcoming event that can unite our fractured nation and bring joy to the hearts of all Americans, regardless of political persuasion.

On September 1, the Democratic Party will hold its Senate primary in the state of Massachusetts. The incumbent, Sen. Ed Markey (D.), is being challenged by Rep. Joe Kennedy III (D.), a ginger-haired pipsqueak. Kennedy is also, of course, a member of the degenerate political dynasty whose legacy is defined by death, addiction, sexual assault, and sympathy for the Nazi regime.

Rooting for Kennedy's defeat—for his overwhelming and humiliating rejection at the hands of Massachusetts voters—might be one of the last remaining moral convictions that can transcend the bounds of partisanship and unite the country behind a collective purpose for the good of all mankind.

Kennedy is the 2020 equivalent of Sean Eldridge, the Facebook spouse who tried and failed multiple times to buy his way into Congress. Except Kennedy is even more obnoxious than Eldridge in almost every way. Eldridge ran for Congress because he was rich, entitled, and bored. Kennedy is all those things and more.

Unlike Eldridge, who challenged a Republican incumbent after running unopposed in the primary, Kennedy is trying to unseat a well-liked Democrat with a liberal record—for no good reason. Because explicitly running the message "I'm a Kennedy" would be considered gauche, Kennedy claims his campaign is based on his firm belief that "it's time for new leadership."

That's an unusual rationale for the guy whose great uncle Teddy represented the state for nearly half a century—notwithstanding his fondness for "waitress sandwiches" and the time he left a woman to drown in his car, but what else can he really say?

Kennedy, 39, broke onto the national scene in 2018 when he got Caroline Kennedy to persuade her old friend Nancy Pelosi to let him give the Democratic response to President Trump's State of the Union address. The speech was unremarkable except for the fact that viewers were astounded by the wetness of Kennedy's mouth.

Having served in Congress for six whole years, Kennedy decided to challenge Markey for the state's Senate seat. It was either that or wait until 2024 when Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D., Mass.) would be up for reelection, but he presumably didn't want to suffer the humiliation of being manhandled by a cold-blooded schoolmarm.

Markey, for his part, has done a commendable job of embarrassing the wet-mouthed whippersnapper during the Democratic primary debates. Earlier this weekend, Markey repeatedly challenged Kennedy on the debate stage to "tell your father" to stop funding a super PAC running negative ads against him.

Kennedy responded days later by using the exchange as an excuse to run a more authentic campaign. "If [Markey] wants to talk about the Kennedys, then I will talk about the Kennedys," the congressman said at a press conference within sight of a federal building named after President John F. Kennedy, one of the most notorious Democratic sexual deviants of the pre-Clinton era.

The Kennedys reached out again to family friend Nancy Pelosi and convinced her to weigh in on the Massachusetts primary by offering a rare endorsement. Pelosi said she was compelled to publicly support Kennedy because she "wasn’t too happy with some of the assault that I saw made on the Kennedy family."

In this age of hyper-politicized partisanship, when the country seems hopelessly divided and unable to agree on the most basic of issues—whether private citizens, for example, should be publicly shamed and fired for wearing a stupid Halloween costume near a Washington Post columnist—there is still light on the horizon.

Is it the flaming red glare of Joe Kennedy's tussled coif? Or the blinding sheen of his damp jowls? Either way, it must be extinguished. Americans can still unite in 2020 by rooting for his failure. America prevailed in 2014, when Sean Eldridge was trounced by 30 points. America will prevail again, because she must.