AMERICA PREVAILS: Sean Eldridge Loses by 30 Points

Where will he run next?

Goodbye for now.
November 5, 2014

Rejoice, America! The worst candidate of the 2014 has lost to incumbent Rep. Chris Gibson by 30 points, which was precisely the margin required to keep the American Dream alive. With all precincts reporting in New York’s 19th congressional district, here are the results, via CNN:

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Eldridge, a 28-year-old philosophy major, lost despite the generous support of his husband, Chris Hughes, who made millions for being Mark Zuckerberg’s roommate at Harvard and inventing the Facebook "poke" button. Hughes, currently the owner of the New Republic, a once relevant liberal publication that is now a hedge fund, contributed nearly $3 million to the Eldridge campaign, not including the millions spent on multiple mansions in the couple's quest to find a suitable district for Eldridge to run in, or the "investments" the couple made in the district in an effort to buy votes and establish a modern day feudal system.

Yes, it is a great day for America, but be warned: Eldridge will be back. He is probably browsing Zillow as we speak, and planning his next run. Stopping him once won't be good enough.