2022 Man of the Year: Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp / Getty Images
December 31, 2022

A man can only take so much shit from his ex-wife.

Professional actress and succubus Amber Heard simply could not let her ex-husband go. Several months after their 2017 divorce was finalized, Heard hounded her former husband, movie star Johnny Depp, with wild accusations of abuse, culminating in a vicious op-ed published in the Washington Post. In it, she intimated years of emotional, physical, and psychological abuse by Depp in an attempt to reinvigorate her acting career through the vessel of the #MeToo Movement.

These allegations cost Depp millions in lost earnings and severed his relationship with Disney, the studio home to his blockbuster Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

Fed up, Depp sued Heard for defamation in a case that would become the trial of 2022.

Fueled with gallons of red wine and mountains of The Palm's world-famous chicken parmigiana, Johnny turned the tables on his accuser. He hired the hottest trial lawyer he could find, superstar Camille Vasquez, and holed up in a legal war room at the Ritz-Carlton to plot their scorched-earth legal strategy.

The trial exposed several instances of vicious physical and psychological abuse Heard thrust upon Depp. Vazquez also masterfully revealed the fiction of Heard's claim that she contributed the proceeds of their divorce settlement to charity.*

Heard's defense strategy mystified most legal observers. In feeble attempts to paint Depp in an unflattering light, Heard and her attorneys accused Johnny of being a drug abuser, an alcoholic, financially reckless, and being friends with Keith Richards. In short, their plan was to accuse world-renowned degenerate Johnny Depp of being… Johnny Depp?

Initially, the jury seemed to believe that Depp was in fact scumbag enough that he could be guilty of abuse.

But Depp's attorneys were prepared. To win over a jury, the art of persuasion is key. Often it requires a change of preexisting perceptions by bringing new shit to light. In this trial's coup de grâce, that is exactly what the Depp team did—they brought new shit to light.

Many people believe the myth that beautiful women do not, in fact, poop. Amber Heard is undoubtedly a beautiful woman. Johnny's legal team knew there were likely several jurors who shared this preconceived notion. They needed to change perceptions.

Vazquez did just that when, in a legal masterstroke, she presented the jury with photographic proof of a substantial pile of fecal matter laid upon Depp and Heard's bed! Proof, Vazquez claimed, that not only does Amber Heard defecate, but that Amber Heard does so with malice. Not the kind of malice that comes from the morning after a chili dog and dark beer bender, but willful, vengeful malice. Considered a war crime by the Geneva Convention, biological weaponry is outlawed in nearly every country—even the shithole ones.

Revolted, the jury gasped.

Perceptions changed.

Heard, caught off-guard by this presentation, attempted to blame her dog, a four-pound Yorkshire Terrier named Boo. Nice try, toots.

The jury knew this was no doggy accident, it wasn't a Baby Ruth, or a muddy sock, and it wasn't Mr. Hankey.

It was a turd. Amber Heard's turd.

Case closed.

The traumatized jury ruled in Depp's favor, granting him a judgment of $10 million, concluding the trial of the year.

For defeating #MeToo with a number two, Johnny Depp is 2022's Washington Free Beacon Man of The Year.

*Editor's Note: Officially, the Washington Free Beacon classifies the ACLU as a terrorist organization, not a charity.